tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11525176953063930352024-02-19T00:03:54.854-08:00under the blacklighti'd love to turn you onnicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.comBlogger547125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-75713582721892636422022-08-15T11:31:00.001-07:002022-08-15T11:31:38.196-07:00My greetings<div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:20.2pt;font-family:Tahoma'>My<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:16.3pt;font-family:Tahoma'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:11.1pt;font-family:Tahoma'><a href="https://bit.ly/3zTgP6D">https://www.google.com/search?q=shesarejector.nerdfighter@blogger.com</a><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:20.4pt;font-family:Tahoma'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:20.4pt;font-family:Tahoma'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:20.4pt;font-family:Tahoma'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:20.4pt;font-family:Tahoma'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-US style='font-size:18.4pt;font-family:Tahoma'> beatlesgroupiekn<o:p></o:p></span></p></div>nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-29273393566304116112017-08-15T03:46:00.001-07:002017-08-15T03:46:19.381-07:00hiya My
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<br>beatlesgroupieknnicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-5659843295456516932012-01-27T02:27:00.000-08:002012-01-27T02:29:52.834-08:00a breakdown is imminentfor the last 45 i have been laying in bed, tears literally streaming down my face as i attempt, and fail, to sleep. i pulled something in my back so it's incredibly difficult to get comfortable without being in pain. then once i finally do get comfortable i start coughing so hard i'm close to throwing up. this is just ridiculous now. my only savior is if i somehow cry myself to sleep. i think i'm gonna go home this weekend. i can't deal on my own.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-69679714093481581102011-12-22T23:02:00.000-08:002011-12-22T23:05:32.436-08:00yeeeeeeahi've hit that point where i want to throw up. just. i hate myself a little bit.<br /><br />in other news this is why i don't tell people things. fun.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-13994230544564846932011-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:002011-12-11T00:20:06.375-08:00ugly feelings and thoughtsi found myself lately having ugly feelings and thoughts<br />and i remember that i was not always this pleasant, i think<br />that this is something i have to work at every day, everyone does<br />i've been such a happy person for so much of my time for so long that i forgot what it's like to be consumed by an ugly feeling<br />it's not fun<br />it's not nice<br />it's not something i want to continue<br />but then i appreciate its existence, i remember how amazing it is that it only comes once in a while<br />when something's worth it<br />although not justified<br />if that makes sense<br />good night.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-10163308878204001672011-09-29T22:04:00.001-07:002011-09-29T22:04:36.331-07:00fuckingfor reals? like...really?nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-76817511004251659512011-09-12T00:03:00.001-07:002011-09-12T00:03:56.485-07:00disappointedsafe to saynicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-16437811665151876762011-08-19T01:54:00.000-07:002011-08-19T01:55:11.920-07:00kill themkill all the feelings. doooooooooooooooooo it.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-14977900982202418962011-05-16T22:59:00.000-07:002011-05-16T23:00:33.960-07:00weird.i feel empty.<br /><br />it's been a weird day, and not for any particular reason. which makes it even worse in my opinion. i can't pinpoint why i feel empty and know it will go away soon. it's just looming.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-81194258224428957632011-04-18T22:17:00.001-07:002011-04-18T22:21:26.741-07:00nightmares?i had a dream today. i took a nap and i had a dream. i got knocked up by one of my friends from college. but i didn't know i was pregnant? my friend maritza was going around telling all of our friends about how happy she was and how we were gonna have a party, but only 20-30 people. small, by her standards. she runs around with an enthusiasm i obviously don't share. she leaves the apartment to go god knows where and i sit at the kitchen table with my friends anabel and brenda and say "i don't remember taking a test". anabel says something like she remembers. she was with me or maritza was. something along those lines. but i automatically know who the father is, but i don't remember the fun in getting pregnant. so that sucks. anabel starts asking me if i'm gonna finish up school after i have the baby and i start thinking "wait, am i having this baby? i can't get an abortion?" then somehow i think that i'm about 3 months along, not sure if that's too late. then i start holding my stomach like pregnant women do. i start feeling sick. then i wake up.<br />another baby dream where i don't remember having the kid/getting pregnant.<br />weird.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-42308574427269754132011-04-10T03:03:00.001-07:002011-04-10T03:05:45.160-07:00so long.it's been so long since i've been in an argument with someone that got so frustrating it almost reduced me to tears. it just happened. how can someone be so closed minded? i don't understand. how can someone negate someone else's existence? to say being bisexual is just confusion. never anything more. that everyone has to get married. everything is defined by marriage. everything is defined by what you were doing right before you died. so if i was with a girl from age 20-40 then a guy from 40-80 when i died then i'm straight because those 20 years of my life were just CONFUSION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THAN I DO AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO LABEL ME. IT IS JUST BAFFLING. i don't even know. i don't even fucking know.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-4106634857022386422011-04-07T23:50:00.000-07:002011-04-07T23:51:17.595-07:00this is why i'm gonna die alone.yup.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-62594811197550158912011-03-15T15:46:00.000-07:002011-03-15T15:50:12.032-07:00it's that time of year again.where i want to celebrate my birthday but everyone is too busy. friends drop out and those who can make it seem like an inconvenience. best friend's not going to vegas anymore, even though he was given two months notice and agreed all along. found out his sister is having a little something for her birthday that weekend. he just found out today. <br />does everyone feel like this? does everyone feel like wanting to celebrate their birthday is an intrusion on everyone else's life? i always organize dinners and parties. i guess i just don't want my friends to feel like i do right now.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-59830146438999186412011-03-10T23:07:00.001-08:002011-03-10T23:07:30.923-08:00so this happened.http://sistersbeforebros.blogspot.com/nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-63529523241672630262011-02-19T01:02:00.000-08:002011-02-19T01:08:01.890-08:00i wrote something. it's weird.night is a scary place to be alone with your thoughts<br />solace went to sleep long ago, <br />with your family and friends<br />but you,<br />you're awake<br />thinking those thoughts that dare not creep along into the sunlight<br />and you sit there, <br />with your past and your future laid out in front of you like a spread<br />to pick and choose<br />because the present fails to exist once those last rays disappear<br />and you sit there wondering<br />where it all went wrong<br />where it will all go wrong<br />but now, now is where you decide<br />where the gates are lifted and you allow yourself to see everything that's been hiding<br />the monsters come out to play<br />to show their faces that cannot stand the way your heart beats during the day<br />cannot stand your frequent smiles<br />cannot stand your laugh that resonates throughout the world<br />but at night they have you<br />wrapped around their finger<br />dragging you into their world<br />you let them.<br />you don't protest because even if they loosen their grip<br />where will you go at this time of night?<br />logic is deep in slumber<br />confidence is fast asleep<br />reason is snoring.<br />so you lie awake<br />and allow the monsters to consume you<br />wishing for the light to stream through the window<br />praying for everything to wake up<br />you fight your way through the night and when the sun breaks,<br />oh god does it break,<br />the monsters retreat into the closet,<br />hide under the bed,<br />slide behind the bookcase,<br />each with a last courtesy nod thrown your way<br />because they know what they must do now<br />and they know where to find you again tonight<br />you continue to exist side by side, <br />but at night,<br />at night you dance.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-52349661055137740012010-12-21T00:32:00.003-08:002010-12-21T00:32:55.312-08:00cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-43945393592496039372010-12-19T03:55:00.000-08:002010-12-19T04:00:36.848-08:00yeah.so it's raining.<br />just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do. <br />there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.<br />i fuck everything up.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-19001883706763805892010-11-15T20:49:00.000-08:002010-11-15T21:07:53.384-08:00so this is it.i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.<br />i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see. <br />so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day. <br />it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.<br />so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-59453375279180796712010-11-01T20:57:00.000-07:002010-11-01T20:58:14.729-07:00ugh.i am full of such self-loathing right now.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-56000810317553591412010-10-06T23:29:00.001-07:002010-10-06T23:35:50.154-07:00shows.shows i must now keep up with cos of netflix.<br />skins, finished series 4. series 5 starts next year.<br />weeds, in the middle of season 6.<br /><br />now i don't know what to start next. hm.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-46430764399608335932010-09-26T00:09:00.000-07:002010-09-26T00:10:17.235-07:00progress......is me calling my parents and not breaking down and running to the closet to cry ugly oprah sobs. progress.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-90688816914206242152010-08-20T03:22:00.001-07:002010-08-20T03:23:39.215-07:00a list.of everything i've watched from netflix so far.<br /><br />-the september issue<br />-water lilies<br />-new york, i love you<br />-cabaret<br />-lost: season 3<br />-first 4 episodes of skins: volume 1<br />-1 episode of shorties watchin' shorties<br />-arrested developmentnicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-43601673762605148762010-05-31T00:02:00.000-07:002010-05-31T00:05:54.405-07:00for jakethis post is for jake. sure i could write it as a comment on his blog, but i had to make it public because i'm shameless like that.<br /><br />READY?<br /><br />i saw flight of the conchords live tonight.<br /><br />please leave how jealous you are in the comments.<br /><br />(also, opening acts were: kristen schaal aka mel, arj barker aka dave, and eugene mirman aka...eugene)nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-17880353218482527632010-05-24T00:18:00.000-07:002010-05-24T00:35:56.916-07:00oh, lostwarning: this is incoherent and ridiculous<br /><br />i loved the lost series finale.<br />i know it's so cliche or cheesy to wrap up the series as a complete nod to religion or spirituality. i am so enamoured with religion, even though i don't agree with the organized religion. i am so fascinated with death, not so much as to what comes after it, but everything that goes along with it. i love things that deal with death and spirituality. so many people try to avoid it, but it's inevitable. i love when characters i love face it head on. harry potter. jack shepard. to come to terms with death is to accept something that could keep you in constant fear, to keep you from living. there is so much i love about this that i can't even put into words properly. it's like harry potter all over again, but not as intense because i haven't put as much love and time into it. harry potter was nine years, this was mere months. but i remember the feeling, lost brought it back. i love putting all my love and time into something, because it's given me so much back that i could never express my gratitude. i've used the word love so much in this post but i can't help it, it's all i have to give, when lost has given me so much.nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1152517695306393035.post-51689216899806665562010-05-07T18:00:00.000-07:002010-05-07T18:34:09.987-07:00the pasti've learned there's a difference between a longing and reverence for the past and letting it infiltrate your mind so much that you're not allowing yourself to live now.<br /><br />which leads to the second harry potter tattoo to enter my folder:<br />"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"nicole.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06213409035014523108noreply@blogger.com1