under the blacklight

a breakdown is imminent

2012-01-27T02:27:00.000-08:00

for the last 45 i have been laying in bed, tears literally streaming down my face as i attempt, and fail, to sleep. i pulled something in my back so it's incredibly difficult to get comfortable without being in pain. then once i finally do get comfortable i start coughing so hard i'm close to throwing up. this is just ridiculous now. my only savior is if i somehow cry myself to sleep. i think i'm gonna go home this weekend. i can't deal on my own.

yeeeeeeah

2011-12-22T23:02:00.000-08:00

i've hit that point where i want to throw up. just. i hate myself a little bit.

in other news this is why i don't tell people things. fun.

ugly feelings and thoughts

2011-12-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

i found myself lately having ugly feelings and thoughts
and i remember that i was not always this pleasant, i think
that this is something i have to work at every day, everyone does
i've been such a happy person for so much of my time for so long that i forgot what it's like to be consumed by an ugly feeling
it's not fun
it's not nice
it's not something i want to continue
but then i appreciate its existence, i remember how amazing it is that it only comes once in a while
when something's worth it
although not justified
if that makes sense
good night.

fucking

2011-09-29T22:04:00.001-07:00

for reals? like...really?

disappointed

2011-09-12T00:03:00.001-07:00

safe to say

kill them

2011-08-19T01:54:00.000-07:00

kill all the feelings. doooooooooooooooooo it.

weird.

2011-05-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

i feel empty.

it's been a weird day, and not for any particular reason. which makes it even worse in my opinion. i can't pinpoint why i feel empty and know it will go away soon. it's just looming.

nightmares?

2011-04-18T22:17:00.001-07:00

i had a dream today. i took a nap and i had a dream. i got knocked up by one of my friends from college. but i didn't know i was pregnant? my friend maritza was going around telling all of our friends about how happy she was and how we were gonna have a party, but only 20-30 people. small, by her standards. she runs around with an enthusiasm i obviously don't share. she leaves the apartment to go god knows where and i sit at the kitchen table with my friends anabel and brenda and say "i don't remember taking a test". anabel says something like she remembers. she was with me or maritza was. something along those lines. but i automatically know who the father is, but i don't remember the fun in getting pregnant. so that sucks. anabel starts asking me if i'm gonna finish up school after i have the baby and i start thinking "wait, am i having this baby? i can't get an abortion?" then somehow i think that i'm about 3 months along, not sure if that's too late. then i start holding my stomach like pregnant women do. i start feeling sick. then i wake up.
another baby dream where i don't remember having the kid/getting pregnant.
weird.

so long.

2011-04-10T03:03:00.001-07:00

it's been so long since i've been in an argument with someone that got so frustrating it almost reduced me to tears. it just happened. how can someone be so closed minded? i don't understand. how can someone negate someone else's existence? to say being bisexual is just confusion. never anything more. that everyone has to get married. everything is defined by marriage. everything is defined by what you were doing right before you died. so if i was with a girl from age 20-40 then a guy from 40-80 when i died then i'm straight because those 20 years of my life were just CONFUSION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THAN I DO AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO LABEL ME. IT IS JUST BAFFLING. i don't even know. i don't even fucking know.

this is why i'm gonna die alone.

2011-04-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

yup.

it's that time of year again.

2011-03-15T15:46:00.000-07:00

where i want to celebrate my birthday but everyone is too busy. friends drop out and those who can make it seem like an inconvenience. best friend's not going to vegas anymore, even though he was given two months notice and agreed all along. found out his sister is having a little something for her birthday that weekend. he just found out today.
does everyone feel like this? does everyone feel like wanting to celebrate their birthday is an intrusion on everyone else's life? i always organize dinners and parties. i guess i just don't want my friends to feel like i do right now.

so this happened.

2011-03-10T23:07:00.001-08:00

http://sistersbeforebros.blogspot.com/

i wrote something. it's weird.

2011-02-19T01:02:00.000-08:00

night is a scary place to be alone with your thoughts
solace went to sleep long ago,
with your family and friends
but you,
you're awake
thinking those thoughts that dare not creep along into the sunlight
and you sit there,
with your past and your future laid out in front of you like a spread
to pick and choose
because the present fails to exist once those last rays disappear
and you sit there wondering
where it all went wrong
where it will all go wrong
but now, now is where you decide
where the gates are lifted and you allow yourself to see everything that's been hiding
the monsters come out to play
to show their faces that cannot stand the way your heart beats during the day
cannot stand your frequent smiles
cannot stand your laugh that resonates throughout the world
but at night they have you
wrapped around their finger
dragging you into their world
you let them.
you don't protest because even if they loosen their grip
where will you go at this time of night?
logic is deep in slumber
confidence is fast asleep
reason is snoring.
so you lie awake
and allow the monsters to consume you
wishing for the light to stream through the window
praying for everything to wake up
you fight your way through the night and when the sun breaks,
oh god does it break,
the monsters retreat into the closet,
hide under the bed,
slide behind the bookcase,
each with a last courtesy nod thrown your way
because they know what they must do now
and they know where to find you again tonight
you continue to exist side by side,
but at night,
at night you dance.

2010-12-21T00:32:00.003-08:00

cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.

yeah.

2010-12-19T03:55:00.000-08:00

so it's raining.
just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do.
there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.
i fuck everything up.

so this is it.

2010-11-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.
i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see.
so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day.
it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.
so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.

ugh.

2010-11-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

i am full of such self-loathing right now.

shows.

2010-10-06T23:29:00.001-07:00

shows i must now keep up with cos of netflix.
skins, finished series 4. series 5 starts next year.
weeds, in the middle of season 6.

now i don't know what to start next. hm.

progress...

2010-09-26T00:09:00.000-07:00

...is me calling my parents and not breaking down and running to the closet to cry ugly oprah sobs. progress.

a list.

2010-08-20T03:22:00.001-07:00

of everything i've watched from netflix so far.

-the september issue
-water lilies
-new york, i love you
-cabaret
-lost: season 3
-first 4 episodes of skins: volume 1
-1 episode of shorties watchin' shorties
-arrested development

for jake

2010-05-31T00:02:00.000-07:00

this post is for jake. sure i could write it as a comment on his blog, but i had to make it public because i'm shameless like that.

READY?

i saw flight of the conchords live tonight.

please leave how jealous you are in the comments.

(also, opening acts were: kristen schaal aka mel, arj barker aka dave, and eugene mirman aka...eugene)

oh, lost

2010-05-24T00:18:00.000-07:00

warning: this is incoherent and ridiculous

i loved the lost series finale.
i know it's so cliche or cheesy to wrap up the series as a complete nod to religion or spirituality. i am so enamoured with religion, even though i don't agree with the organized religion. i am so fascinated with death, not so much as to what comes after it, but everything that goes along with it. i love things that deal with death and spirituality. so many people try to avoid it, but it's inevitable. i love when characters i love face it head on. harry potter. jack shepard. to come to terms with death is to accept something that could keep you in constant fear, to keep you from living. there is so much i love about this that i can't even put into words properly. it's like harry potter all over again, but not as intense because i haven't put as much love and time into it. harry potter was nine years, this was mere months. but i remember the feeling, lost brought it back. i love putting all my love and time into something, because it's given me so much back that i could never express my gratitude. i've used the word love so much in this post but i can't help it, it's all i have to give, when lost has given me so much.

the past

2010-05-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

i've learned there's a difference between a longing and reverence for the past and letting it infiltrate your mind so much that you're not allowing yourself to live now.

which leads to the second harry potter tattoo to enter my folder:
"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

summers.

2010-05-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

i need to write about this. i need to get it out of my system. i'm back home in l.a. for mother's day and it feels like summer. full on summer. i'm sitting in the living room with the air conditioning on, waiting to see if the pool is ready to go swimming. and i just feel so weird. i don't know if i'm nostalgic for old times or disgusted. it reminds me of talking to hssd, which sort of makes me want to cry and i don't know why. it reminds me of going to remus lupins shows and seeing shey and going to see rent and panic at the disco and gayface and vegas. it reminds me of skyping with ftw until 5 in the morning. it reminds me of when i used to actually live here, when being here didn't have an end date in sight of when i was leaving. when i didn't have to balance seeing old friends and family. of feeling bad for turning down friends who think i don't wanna see them when i feel more compelled or obligated to see my family. i love my family, and after what we've been through for the past 2 years i come home to see THEM, and i tend to feel bad if i don't spend enough time with them.

i think of pirates of the caribbean midnight showing. harry potter midnight showings. harry potter book releases. life before college was so different. not worse or better, just different. i think i'm yearning for it in a way. i don't know what this summer's going to be like, i'm not going to be living back home. i'm going to be in santa barbara working, and just figuring stuff out i guess. i'm scared but super excited. i think a lot of what brought this up was actually the iron man 2 release. i felt like i should have been there at midnight last night, not just because i'm desperately in love with robert downey jr. and love iron man but because DUH, it's SUMMER. and that's what we do. i don't even know what i'm feeling but it's a mix of nostalgia and other things. i don't know if i wanna sit in this or just go home to sb. it's weird.

the good cheer with shey.
breaking dawn
time to find new bands
new music
being indie

summers hold so much promise, i hate when they let me down.

what? survey? okay.

2010-05-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
1. i laugh at everything.
2. i can't just like something, i have to LOVE/OBSESS over it. (latest ex: lost)
3. i use to be far more cynical than i am now. isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
4. i have no idea what i'm doing.
5. i fantasize about my own death a lot, but i don't think it's morbid.
6. i play out my life in my head like it's a movie, complete with soundtrack.
7. i think older guys are way hotter than guys my age. like, OLDER.
8. i love singing.
9. i can't understand how people can be so ignorant.
10. i wish i was at disneyland pretty much all the time.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY
1. disneyland.
2. lost.
3. the lottery.
4. a job.
5. roommates.
6. robert downey jr.
7. my sickness.
8. robert downey jr.
9. josh holloway.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART
1. make me laugh.
2. don't be an ass.
3. unconditional love would be nice.
4. sharing in some of my passions would be nice.
5. dance with me to billie holiday (IMMEDIATE WINNER)
6. love going to disneyland.
7. be yourself.
8. don't shut me out.

What happened to seven?

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
1. fantasize (not usually in a sexy way).
2. brush teeth.
3. put on retainers.
4. set the alarms.
5. toss and turn.
6. lock the doors.

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
1. thank you for putting up with me, i don't know how you do.
2. i do wish you lived with me.
3. i love you so unconditionally, i'm sorry we haven't talked lately.
4. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you.
5. i wish we could just hang out.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
1. this survey.
2. watching glee.
3. thinking about sleep.
4. rubbing my eyes.

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF
1. emergency broadcast tests.
2. being alone in every sense of the word.
3. monotony

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. travel abroad
2. fall in love

ONE CONFESSION
1. i feel over everything, i'm sure i'll change by tomorrow.

green patch.

2010-04-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

i made it through my rough patch, which was hard to find myself getting out of. i took a 4-day weekend (aka don't go to class for two days) and had the extreme privilege of surrounding myself with people who love me. it was cleansing, emotionally, when my depression had manifested itself into a want to cleanse the physical. now i'm heading into my fifth week of classes (when did that happen?) and here's to hoping.

ocd.

2010-04-19T01:53:00.000-07:00

i'm in a weird place. my head feels weird. i want to clean my apartment ALL THE TIME. but i don't like cleaning when there are people around. i want to do it all the time. so much it starts to hurt. i think i'll do it tomorrow. it's even worse when you have a roommate you aren't on great terms with, so you feel like they might think it's invasive. i also hate how nobody else cleans on a constant basis but it's not their fault. they are cleaning well enough, i just can't push my crazy on them.

also, i'm only taking 12 units this quarter because it's all i could scrap together (i hate budget cuts), so i really REALLY need a job and feel like i'm wasting my time without one. i have so much free time. and YET, with all my free time i still don't read properly and study enough. i'm just hating myself right now. i need to get my life in order and i don't know where to start.

i need to write more.

2010-04-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

i really do. but until then, i'll post something i wrote months ago for my friend liz. it's something, but i don't know what.

the more I learn the less I understand
the complexities become overwhelming
I let them build up and wash over me
I allow myself the pleasure of basking in them
in total understandment of never understanding
I know our time is fleeting,
our agreement becoming more diluted by the second
I ache to hold onto you
to keep this with me as I keep on
but the tide becomes too high
and I wash back onto shore
watching you spread out into the sea
as quickly as you had come

start over again.

2010-03-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

i want to throw up and cry and just rid my body of the last week. i just need to get rid of all the yucky feelings. i need a full on catharsis. i wanna jump in the ocean. i wanna wash everything away.

weird place.

2010-03-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

i'm in one of those weird places now. there are too many thoughts up in my head and too many ideas. when i'm given too many options or ideas i become overloaded and just shut down and don't want to do anything. i'm usually a take things as they come person, but i do plan ahead a lot. i compartmentalize in my brain what is now and what is later. i worry about what i need to do NOW, save the other stuff for later. but i feel like my compartments are broken and are just spilling over into each other. how do i fix that? i need to start doing yoga. maybe a list? this is for me, i'm boring so don't worry about it. also, the fact that i am completely and utterly broke in every sense of the word and just threw away most of my food cos it's moldy may be a huge problem. food=love; lack of food=headache withdrawals

-midterm this friday-math
-lines for theatre
-finals week-art history/math
-final paper-fem
-read for self
-plans for this weekend
-spring break plans?
-disneyland is much needed at this point
-birthday plans?
-somehow acquire money, eat food.

i feel at this point it's because everything's hitting me at once and needs immediate attention? if it were just finals and too many options for spring break i would be fine dealing with it, but add to the fact that i don't have food and don't know when i will. well. it's hard to focus on the other stuff.

memory lane.

2010-03-03T02:49:00.001-08:00

so i was looking through some old stuff on the internet and i came upon the guy i liked in high school. i was a freshman when he was a senior. he had a girlfriend yet flirted with me incessantly and i let him. his girlfriend hated me. he told me he wanted to take me to the prom but he had a girlfriend. weird shit.
so he graduated and i didn't talk to him after that. about a year later i found out he was dating someone else and soon after, married her! hahahaha. that was so weird.
now i've looked him up again and he's divorced. BAHAHAHA. why is that so funny? i'm terrible.
and even though i don't care about looks or weight and i hate using the word fat, he's definitely put on the pounds since high school. like, WHOA. sorry, i'm gonna die in my sleep now cos i'm a terrible person. hehehe.

21.

2010-02-25T22:55:00.001-08:00

all my comments are spam. honestly, i got 5 of them in the last week. C'MON PEOPLE. just, you know, say hi or something.

i was just thinking about how my 21st birthday is in like a year or something. holy shit. remember when we would count this down, shey? going on 6 years?! ridic. i'm gonna do vegas, cos it's cliche except i like, live in vegas so it's not so cliche but more like something i would do on any birthday. then i realized i'm pretty early in my group of friends to turn 21. so i would be going with my family, whom i love, but i want friends. i'm looking at you, shey and erin, aka the only people who read this besides spammers. well, maybe only spammers do now. i've lost my appeal. my two best friends who turn before me wouldn't be able to either probably. one is on her way to med school (overachiever) and the other lives in new york. fun times. this is a ramble. forgive me.

lost.

2010-02-08T00:48:00.001-08:00

thursday i decided to, FINALLY, join the lost bandwagon. i just think of it as being a huge procrastinator. in 3 days i have managed to watch the first 20 episodes (is that pathetic or what?). so i give you:

nicole's thoughts and analysis of lost so far:
-oh wow, jack is pretty hot
-locke is fucking smart as hell
-sayid is pretty good looking
-INCEST?!
-is there gonna be one episode without a fight, or disaster?
-charlie is adorable, damn drug addict
-IMMACULATE CONCEPTION?!
-*bug eyes*
-holy shit, if i was on the island i'd be fucking sawyer every chance i got
-every. chance.

neil gaiman.

2010-02-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

i went to see neil gaiman talk last night.
it was lovely.
he is an amazing story teller, not only with words but with reading aloud. i wish he would read everything to me, including instruction manuals.
i went with my nerdfighting friend elise, who is an above and beyond neil gaiman fangirl.
there was a line to get books signed (because we were the lucky school that got a book signing, suck it UCLA), and i had a strategy. due to my extensive meeting of people (?), i knew that if we went to the back of the line, we would get a tad more time to talk to him, and get a more uncensored, REAL, meeting. there were a few others who thought along the same lines and they were fun people.
i'd met him before, but it was much more informal, at an amanda palmer show. i hardly talked to him, or amanda for that matter, but mostly to beth, amanda's assistant. this was the first time really talking to him.
so i brought fragile things cos it was the only gaiman book i had with me up here in sb, then i realized i also had jd salinger's franny and zooey with me cos i just carry it everywhere to read it. so we waited 3 hours and got to meet him at 1 in the morning, while he made cute little british yawns and still cracked jokes.
when he saw franny and zooey he said "well, he won't be signing these anytime soon...and now i will be struck by lightning". i couldn't stop laughing then i said "NO!! not before i get my book signed!!". it was incredibly lovely meeting him, and gave me hugs. he is such a huggable person. also we shared our love of amanda's greatest song "the bed song". sigh.

sometimes i wish i was an author.

p.s. when i got back to my apartment, i realized i had my little sister's copy of the graveyard book in my bookcase. i felt horrible that i didn't get it signed for her. but c'est la vie.

"For Nicole-
Signed in absentia-
Neil Gaiman"

HUG.

he is busy signing my book, which is perfectly fine. i look good though, according to elise.

p.p.s. THE HAIR. it's even better in person.

androgyny.

2010-02-03T01:47:00.001-08:00

sometimes i think i am soooooo stereotypically a guy, for reasons i don't feel like explaining.
and then sometimes i'm such a stereotypical girl i sicken myself.
i guess what i'm getting at is androgyny is awesome.

spam.

2010-01-30T00:59:00.000-08:00

my posts have started to get spam comments on them. i don't know if that's supposed to symbolize what this blog has become but i hope not.

i've been in a weird place lately, but i am VERY AWARE that it is a weird place. my brain seems fuzzy all the time, and i don't know if it's just cos i'm sick. i'm hoping once i'm over it, the weird place will dissipate. i've always been working on trying to identify what i'm feeling and whether i want to pursue those feelings. whether it's worth it to be depressed, or angry. i think many of our feelings are very much voluntary. not necessarily when we start feeling them but for how long we continue to let them live within us and consume us. it's very easy to let depression consume you. around this time last year i remember the conscious decision to let my depression take over me because i didn't allow myself to feel for so long. it felt good to dive into those feelings and indulge in destruction. but not literal destruction.

go ask alice sparked that. that book will forever be associated with that time for me, and i am eternally grateful for opening up that gate that i was so terrified to open. those close to me saw it firsthand, they knew something was wrong. only one person actually knew exactly what was going on in my life and that's because she lived with me. i had to explain weird things to her, and she was very understanding and comforting and could empathize to some extent. i haven't let myself be depressed since then, i think. no longer than a day. i don't let myself. i don't know if that's why i'm in this weird place, if i'm flirting with that line again. i don't think i am, i don't find myself to have any reason to be.

it may be sickening and it's cliche, but i loved the writing that came out of my depression. everything i did or listened to or watched just felt so fucking real. it was raw. i allowed music to enter my soul, let words become embedded within me. i allowed it because i was already in a vulnerable state. music and writing move me to no end, but i've never been as deeply affected as i was during that time period. who killed amanda palmer will forever be the music associated with that time.

don't get me wrong, i would never. ever. wish those circumstances upon me again, or to anyone else for that matter. i'm not wishing for them to come back to allow me to be depressed, but it was nice to access those feelings. but i also like being happy so much.

now i'll stop before my vagueness becomes even more maddening for you, i'm sure.

sorry, self,

2010-01-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

i'm only allotting you five minutes to cry. you have things to do.

i should write things.

2009-12-30T02:04:00.001-08:00

i should do a lot of things.

remember the time?

2009-12-10T00:43:00.001-08:00

i was like, i just made a tumblr. why did i do that?
i know why now:
act naturally
(hint: it involves pictures of zooey deschanel, jenny lewis, george harrison and robert downey jr.)

looking for john, omegle edition.

2009-11-16T19:05:00.001-08:00

You: john green?!
Stranger: imagine
You: okay i will
Stranger: okay, cool.
You: sup, john?
Stranger: oh nothing much. you?!
You: nothing much either, just looking for you, but i found you. yay!
Stranger: yyayyaya.
Stranger: just kidding. im not john green.
Stranger: im miley cyrus.
Stranger: so yeah. im too cool for you, bye!
You: oh, miley.

You: john green?!
Stranger: r u a hot guy?
You: all the time
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey!
You: john green?!
Stranger: yes!
You: well how do i know this is actually john?
You: and not my cat?
Stranger: only john green would know that you have cat.
You: yes, because john green is omnipresent.
Stranger: you know it
Stranger: im not gunna lie. i have no idea what the fuck that means.
You: hahaha it means he's everywhere
You: and knows everything
Stranger: ohh. right....
Stranger: then yes. that is true
You: OKAY I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS NOW, BYE.

You: john green?!
Stranger: nope
Stranger: BATMAN
Stranger: sorry
You: darn
You: latez, batey

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi wanna have a gay orgy?
You: ALWAYS
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey
You: john green?!
Stranger: YES!
You: I WISH!

You: john green?!
Stranger: Ryan Blue!?
You: touche.
Stranger: Indeed.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Terry Boot?
You: nope, sorry
Stranger: an abundance of katherines is a good book
You: i'm a hufflepuff
You: it really is
Stranger: holy shit!
Stranger: you got the reference
You: hpnerd4lyfe
Stranger: my life is now complete
You: hahah
Stranger: you, my friend, have just made my night :)
You: glad to be of service!

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: what's that mean??
Stranger: im korean
Stranger: haha
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: no?!
You: okay?!
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Dear Stranger, Your a wonderufl person on the inside and out and God loves you dearly. I hope you had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful week :)
You: why thank you.

You: john green?!
Stranger: No, this is Jon Greene
You: so close
Stranger: Yet so far
Stranger: Good luck
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: YES
Stranger: ADAM?!
You: NO?!
Stranger: WOW
You: WHEE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: yes
You: cool.
Stranger: :D
You: :)
Stranger: :(
You: :/
Stranger: _|_
You: i don't know what that is, john.
Stranger: it's a penis _|_
You: oh, fun.
You have disconnected.

nerdfighting.

2009-11-15T03:09:00.000-08:00

i met hank green today. he is one half of the vlogbrothers, and a person i literally owe a lot to. it was like meeting half of j.k. rowling in a way. not quite as much because i've only been nerdfighting for 2 years, but still pretty significant. i promised myself i wouldn't back out of really telling him what i wanted to, like i did when i talked to john three times. so i told him. i thanked him for everything and explained what project for awesome had done for me. how it was a horrible day. how my mom had just had surgery. halfway through i almost started crying, i was shaking, and he just held out his arms to hug me. he hugged me hard and kept me there for a few seconds and let me finish. i needed that. i really did.

anyways, it made me remember this comment i made on the p4a experience to a friend who interviewed me about it:

"That day was actually really special to me, and the whole community was really vital to my sanity that day. It was the day my mom was having her surgery. After I came home from seeing her at the hospital I went straight to my computer to get my mind off things and help the project, to find out they were just about to start commenting and addressing my video. John was leading it and they all comforted me with kind words and virtual hugs while I told them all about my trip to the hospital and the status of my mom. I had never been more overwhelmed with love and gratitude in my life by virtual strangers, but the love I felt from them was genuine."

Oh, Ross.

2009-11-11T00:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah I just referenced an ongoing joke that you could only understand if you read my blog. I hope you do. You probably don't. I hardly blog anymore. The words haven't been coming so easily these days, but I haven't really been creating much of anything through any other medium. So when I see my neglected blog, I feel a bit of shame. My creative juices aren't so juicy. At pretty much every point in my life, I look back on prior writing and think "God, I use to be so funny" or "God, I was such a good writer". Maybe in a year I'll look back on this blog and think "God, I was so good at talking about the past". Oh, RENT, how you stir emotions in me and continue to narrate my life.

how can you leave the past behind
when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
it reaches way down deep
and tears you inside out
'til you're torn apart.

narcissism.

2009-11-09T19:17:00.001-08:00

i am really obsessed with how i look today. like. if i was a guy or lez, i would TOTALLY DO ME. is that weird?

it hurts.

2009-10-21T00:53:00.001-07:00

i need to get my life together. everything i do is just blah. what am i doing this for? who am i doing this for? i don't understand anything right now. i hope this is just a funk and not a permanent state of being.

thoughts.

2009-10-10T16:03:00.001-07:00

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".

because i like to just steal from amanda.

2009-10-09T00:46:00.001-07:00

this is so fucking beautiful.
and i want to direct it to shey:

“life will break you.
nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
you have to love.
you have to feel.
it is the reason you are here on earth.
you are here to risk your heart.
you are here to be swallowed up.
and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt,
or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
- louise erdrich, the painted drum, p. 247

oh hi.

2009-10-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

hi blogging. remember me? i certainly remember you. i don't know if i want to get involved with you again. maybe we're better on this mutual break. we're the ross and rachel of the internet world, you and i. maybe i'll have your baby one day, but for now we'll just see where this goes.

i don't want to bug.

2009-08-28T00:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like the friend who you hang out with when your first choice bails/is busy. i only feel like that towards one person right now and it drives me CRAZY. I GET UPSET AND WEIRD SO I PUSH MYSELF ON THEM EVEN MORE WHICH WILL THUS MAKE HIM/HER NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME EVEN MORE.

sigh.

i just died a little.

2009-08-25T02:31:00.001-07:00

dreeeeeeeeeeams.

2009-08-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

i had a dream last night, that i moved into an apartment for school.
but i moved in with anabel, a guy i had never met and a bitchy girl i had never met.
the guy was totally into me but nothing happened for the one day (?) i was there.
then i went home for the weekend and one of my friends who is a girl confessed her feelings for me. um. what?
and then the guy showed up at my house to hang out.
and thus my dream ended.

oh! oh!
i also had another dream the other night that i was getting married.
i was getting married in a half hour at disneyland but i was still getting ready at my house.
i don't really remember putting on a white dress or anything like that.
anyway i don't remember the guy i was going to marry except that he was a black guy.
seriously, that's all i remember.
the problem was i kept talking about how i shouldn't go through with it because i'm still in love with taylor (lautner). hahaha, oh dreams. you slay me.

my dreams have become entertaining, like watching and living television while i'm asleep.

not a gum-approved blog.

2009-07-27T03:19:00.001-07:00

whenever someone asks me "so what have you been doing this summer?"

i want to say "jacking off" with a deadpan stare.

but that's not very appropriate now, is it?

a blog about blogging.

2009-07-20T21:16:00.001-07:00

right. so. a blog.

this is going to be a pretty long one, gathering what i can from what my brain wants me to write. so unless you feel a personal interest in my livelihood or want some back story on me because i'm going to be a character in your book, you shouldn't feel like this is a mandatory blog (oh wait, liz IS making me a character in her book, this one's for you liz).

see, the problem with me is that when i get passionate about something or get the inspiration to write about something, i get it in the most inconvenient places. over the course of a few weeks i've compiled a short list in my brain of things i want to write or talk about. i'm sure i've forgotten some of them, my brain isn't the best over the course of a few weeks. i tend to get inspiration in restaurants, the shower, or while listening to amanda palmer in a car. these are all things where i'm not in the position to drop whatever i'm doing and run to the computer or a piece of paper. even as i finally sit down to write this blog, i wrote out most of it in my brain in the shower. however, the trek between the shower and the computer becomes a race of brain and body to get to the computer and write this all down before i forget. before i forget the perfectly formed sentences in my head that convey everything i'm feeling. in between the shower and writing this, i stood half-naked in my room searching for a shirt. frantically, i searched. the more frantic i am, the less likely something will happen quickly. i wanted to get here. i wanted to write this. then i get to my computer. and it decides to shut off. twice. it also decides to run a disk check and turn my stomach into knots. then about five sentences ago, my grandpa pounds furiously on the door, breaking my rhythm only to say good night. but i'm not mad at him, i love that he says good night. but it becomes maddening. it becomes maddening to know that every second someone or something is stealing my thoughts and my words while i try to fill in the rest of my life. while i do mundane things like putting on a shirt. i'm sure i wrote more in my head while i was in the shower, but in this mad dash i'm sure i've lost a good 30% in the rush to get here. and while all i wanted to do was write about harry potter, amanda fucking palmer, the internet, or my friends, this quickly became a blog about writing a blog.

determinedly yours,
nicole

things i need to blog about:

2009-07-17T22:19:00.001-07:00

don't mind me, this is just a reminder.

1. what the internet means to me.
2. afp vs. lady gaga
3. the song "good day"
4. harry potter and my anger management

this is a burgeoning list.

a concert in a blog.

2009-07-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

it's 6 a.m. i haven't slept. so i'm blogging.

every once in a while i feel compelled to write about the experience that was the jenny owen youngs/amanda palmer show at the troubadour. but then i realize i could never put into words what an amazing experience it was. i get discouraged from trying, because this event is one of those things that i let myself fully enjoy. i made the conscious decision to not take any pictures, video, or anything like that. i was there, physically and mentally. i wasn't living the concert through another medium. i was there, in every sense of the world. it felt nice. it was like one of those times you decide you're gonna live life instead of talking about it or capturing it through film (which is what most of my life is dedicated to).

just some highlights, not a play by play:

jenny's new song "clean break", which is inspired by one of my favourite dresden dolls songs "sex changes".

jenny and amanda sang my favourite jenny song "fuck was i" together.

the two amazing people also covered a true american classic entitled "complicated" complete with "your mom" jokes.

i love shores of california, but "missed me" has been stuck in my head ever since the concert.

and lastly, a billie jean cover that brought me to tears and sent chills down my spine.

trust me, it would be wise to watch the entire concert since this person taped it. it was brilliant. you can hear amanda read one of the stories from her book "who killed amanda palmer?" that her boyfriend neil gaiman wrote.

other mentionable moments:
-talking to a very drunk jenny owen youngs about how intense ucsb is and how we took back the night.
-meeting weird al. (OH YEAH!)
-giving beth much deserved sugar cookies and hugs and receiving a kiss.
-learning that very hungry neil gaiman, amanda palmer, and beth loved my cookies.

life is good.

how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.

2009-06-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

so before i get to how thursday night was quite possibly one of the best experiences of my life, let me talk about how i got to be there and you know, how amazing beth hommel is.

around 8 months ago i wrote a blog about how beth's outlook on life and writing in her blog made me come to some realizations of my own. i adored this woman from afar, about how she could turn the worst situations in beautiful words and watched as she navigated through a new part of her life. i do this with a few bloggers. i read all their work and adore them and know much about their life, but i always forget to comment, or think i have nothing of substance to contribute to their lives/comment sections. however, after months of reading her blog i felt like i knew her, or at least the part of her life she allowed her blog readers to enter and comment on. i slightly envied her for the seemingly quick transition into the circus world known as the punk cabaret/amanda fucking palmer/dresden dolls world. anyways, when she joined twitter along with amanda, i somehow felt that i knew her enough to follow her and that she was well known enough in the community to not care that i was following her (i found the idea of "following" her, when i don't know her and she isn't technically famous, somewhat creepy).

anyways, i'll cut to this week. on monday i found out that my friend from college still wanted to go to the amanda show with me on thursday, so i had a ride. i was excited and thought in my mind, okay i'll buy the tickets tomorrow and we'll go. so i decided to be creepy and tell beth, who i found out was going to be merch girl, that i wanted to bring her something. i felt like i knew her, she knows how loving this community is, and this was my first time meeting her. she let me know that i didn't need to bring her anything but that she doesn't refuse sugar cookies. soon after i left to the store to buy two rolls of sugar cookie dough. i came back and talked to my other friend (the one i went to the ninja beach gathering with) and asked her if she was going to the show on thursday. she didn't know about it and looked up tickets and soon informed me they were sold out. i quickly freaked out and became sad. i then informed beth that i had planned to buy my tickets that night but they were sold out and i had already bought her cookie dough and that i was sorry. she quickly pm'ed and told me she could get me into the show and to e-mail. we e-mailed and she put me on the list for the troubadour. all because a stranger with love wanted to give her sugar cookies and hugs. all because in this island of "misfit toys" as she lovingly refers to us, we are generous, accepting, and beautiful. and that's how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.
perhaps tomorrow i shall blog about the actual show that made my life.

loooooooove.

2009-06-26T04:19:00.000-07:00

i had a fucking phenomenal night that i will blog about tomorrow.
in the mean time i will leave you with this crappy quality video that helps sum up my night:

i hung out with amanda palmer today.

2009-06-24T02:52:00.001-07:00

a few days ago amanda announced on her twitter that she would be having a ninja party on the beach today. i, of course, leaped at the chance and found out my friend was planning to go too. her mom wanted to drive us though, but it was cool because her mom is, um, AMAZING.

so the plan for the beach party was to hang, some uke music, and a photo shoot. we were asked to come dressed in black and bring bright flowers. unfortunately my friend and i couldn't get there till 6 when it started at 4, but we got there just in time for the hour long photo shoot. i played dead and god, i hurt the crap out of my knee in my awkward position. little did i know amanda would end up lying next to me, and you know, end up naked for part of the shoot.

she's as amazing as you would think she would be. she radiates love, empowerment, and so many other things that just combine to make a lovely person.

so we did a photo shoot for an hour, while my friend's mom blew bubbles all over our dead bodies and naked amanda for the photos. then she signed things, hugged people, got kisses, and loved everyone. hopefully i'll post the pictures when they're released. also, if things work out right i will be blogging soon about how fucking awesome beth, her assistant, is.

Because Seth and Gum freakin' rock...

2009-06-16T23:06:00.001-07:00

if you wish to contribute to "Nicole really wants to go to Dallas" fund and charity (I am like a sick kid), you can go to Paypal and pay to beatlesgroupiekn@sbcglobal.net

Only if you want.
And only if you love me.
And don't like seeing me cry.

I don't even know.

2009-06-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

This is so depressing. Unless someone reading this wants to loan me some money, and the only people who reads this are Shey, Erin, and Jake sometimes, I don't think I can go to Dallas this summer. I really wish some millionaire would stumble across my blog and just you know, give me some money. Seriously I wanna cry right now. I'm just depressed, I'm kinda sinking into myself.

Jake wins.

2009-06-07T00:39:00.001-07:00

I know I was super close but I gave up. Hahaha.

Dear rain,

2009-06-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

COME BACK. COME BAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Love,
Nicole

And before you swim you gotta be okay to sink...

2009-06-04T02:20:00.001-07:00

I love Incubus, just putting that out there.

They released two songs titled Earth to Bella (1 & 2) about a month before my goddaughter Bella was born. I hope I can play her these songs one day and she'll find them as beautiful and meaningful to her as I feel they are to me.

I love my home.

2009-06-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna leave in like a week. Please don't make me. :(

I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know.

2009-06-02T00:27:00.000-07:00

I just watched The Royal Tenenbaums with my friend Rachel who had never seen it before. It's so nice watching your second favourite movie with someone who's never seen it before. It's like seeing it through someone else's eyes. Especially when you know they are the kind of person who could appreciate the movie. I just fell in love with it all over again and remembered why it's so amazing.<3

Marry meeee.

2009-06-01T01:16:00.001-07:00

Andy Samberg makes my life.
New Moon looks beyond amazing.
So good.

I want Jasper to jump at/try to eat me.

Fun times.

2009-05-31T14:16:00.001-07:00

I watched Sweeney Todd and Arrested Development last night with some fun people until 4 in the morning. Sometimes I love my life more than usual.<3

So delicious.

2009-05-30T02:38:00.000-07:00

Freebirds nachos and The West Wing after a night of partying? Hell yes.

I'm not ready to move out in two weeks.

2009-05-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

I wanna stay here. Can I just stay here?

Mmmmnap.

2009-05-28T01:26:00.001-07:00

I took a nap today, and by nap I mean a four hour sleep. Which is a nap to me. While I was napping I had a dream that I recounted to my friends as soon as I awoke. I dreamt I had a kid. I had a kid that was 5 months old, but in the dream I didn't remember I had had a kid. It was so weird. It was a girl, I picked her up and thought she was beautiful but I put her down and just thought "But I don't want a fucking kid" and kinda wondered why I didn't have an abortion. It was so fucking weird. I didn't even know the kid's name, but it was mine. While it's true that if I somehow became the Virgin Mary I wouldn't want a kid, I wouldn't abort it. I seemed so adamant in my dream on wondering why my past self didn't do it. I DIDN'T REMEMBER HAVING A KID. It was weird, which prompted my friend Rachel to look it up on a dream website she likes and came up with this:

If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; You do not want to let others know of your weaknesses.

I don't know what to make of it.

I can't wait for summer reading...

2009-05-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging-Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird-Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne
17. Devilish-Maureen Johnson
18. Me Talk Pretty One Day-David Sedaris
19. On the Bright Side I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God-Louise Rennison
20. The Nanny Diaries-Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

I hate this.

2009-05-26T15:50:00.001-07:00

Dear California,
Way to let me down. This is the second time I've been deeply ashamed to call myself a Californian in the past year.
Ashamed,
Nicole

I'm home from San Fran,

2009-05-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

AND READY TO REPEAL PROP 8 TOMORROW, HELL YEAH.

2009-05-24T20:44:00.001-07:00

I went to ripley's believe it or not today. you know what? I believe it.

2009-05-23T17:51:00.001-07:00

on my way to San fran. do did do. I'm doing this on my iphone. do do do.

Is it the weekend yet?

2009-05-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

I'm going to San Fran this weekend, I'm really excited. Also, pulling all-nighters leave me um, delusional. Far too much.

I HATE SCHOOL.

2009-05-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT KILL ME.

This needed to be cross-posted.

2009-05-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Love,

Nicole

Why?

2009-05-19T01:53:00.001-07:00

I just created a tumblr. I honestly don't know why I did either.

Shit.

2009-05-18T13:49:00.001-07:00

This weekend has been so exhausting. And now I have to write two papers adding up to 16 pages, one homework assignment, and a short prompt about 300 words? Kill me now.

I love SNL.

2009-05-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

We're watching the shorts right now. OH GOD, SO FUNNY.

Oh dear God.

2009-05-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished Relay and I'm EXHAUSTED. Too bad I can't sleep and I'm going to brunch and then Extravaganza to see Cold War Kids and Girltalk yeeeeeeeeeah!

I'm doing Relay for Life later today!

2009-05-15T01:18:00.001-07:00

Plz to be donating monies?
(Unless you're Shey, who is just awesome.)

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/nicoleface

Thursdays.

2009-05-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I thought it was Thursday. In my mind Thursday=The Office. You can imagine I was thoroughly upset to realize it was only Wednesday.

BUT GUESS WHAT?
THIS STORY HAS A TWIST AND A HAPPY ENDING.

TODAY IS THURSDAY YAAAAAAY.

The dream story.

2009-05-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

About a week or two ago I was having a conversation with two of my friends where one of them was telling me about a dream they had. As she was telling me about her dream I realized that whenever these girls tell me about the dreams they have, they are, dare I say it, happy dreams. They are dreams where the girls get everything they've been wanting lately. Started crushing on a boy lately? Hook up with him in a dream. Been wanting to go to Disneyland? Ride Space Mountain in your dreams.

So I interrupted this dream telling and said "WAIT. Do you guys have dreams where you get EVERYTHING you want?" I asked this very incredulously. I had never heard of people having dreams where they get everything they want, or if I did I chose to ignore them because it saddens me. Then they answered "Well, yeah." I was kinda surprised. I mean, I thought that's what daydreams are for. You have control over those. I always get what I want in daydreams, but in real dreams? Never. I told them "You don't have dreams where you kinda get what you want, but it's half-assed and something always screws it up?" And they're like "Uh...no." I thought it over to myself and I was like, is it just me? Am I that screwed up? So I said out loud, not thinking, "Oh, it's probably cos I'm self-destructive. I even fuck up my dreams." They kinda laughed at me at my semi-serious remark. I don't think they really understood what I meant. I think they associate self-destruction with space movies. Like, when you press the wrong button on a space craft and a soothing female voice tells you "Spacecraft will self destruct in 5...4..." (Seriously, why would you have that button?!)

The truth is, I had never had a dream where I got what I want. I remember when I was severely obsessed with Edward Cullen I finally had a dream about him months later and all I got to do was watch him make out with Bella. Even my dream self was like "REALLY? It's MY dream and I have to watch him make out with BELLA?!" It was actually pretty sad.

So last Friday I was at home listening to Death Cab at 2 in the morning. Let's just say that listening to Death Cab alone in the dead of night isn't the most motivating thing to do. I somewhat fell into a slump and might have cried a little. (I mean, have you seen the animated video for "Grapevine Fires"?! It's DEPRESSING) So I went to sleep and...I dreamt that I got what I wanted. I got it and I kept quiet the entire time because even dream self knew that if I talked I would fuck it up. (Dream self took a note from real self. DON'T BE SELF DESTRUCTIVE IN DREAMS) I got what I wanted and it was sweet. Also, it was PG. I know where your pervy minds are going.

Then I realized why I should be self destructive in dreams. It hurt too much when I woke up.

Yay vacation!

2009-05-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

I am going to San Francisco for Memorial Day Weekend.
What?
Yay!
I chose San Fran over Vegas even though I've been having cravings for Vegas like a crackhead.

Wheeeeeeee!

2009-05-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

I got an A on my Feminist Studies midterm!! Yaaaaaaaay!

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I wish I could spend more time with my mom today. But I have to go back to SB and the fire. Wah.

Reminder to self:

2009-05-09T19:01:00.001-07:00

Blog later about the dream I had last night.

I want to evacuate.

2009-05-08T01:54:00.000-07:00

NOW.

There's smoke coming in through my windows and hurting my eyes.
There's ash floating everywhere outside.
The moon is red.

This is all wrong.

Life is good.

2009-05-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

I'm eating a Freebirds burrito. FUCK YEAH.

Um.

2009-05-06T17:24:00.001-07:00

The fire is huge. I thought there were huge clouds over the ocean when I looked out my window. That's the fire.

Shit.

Burritooooooooo.

2009-05-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

I really want a burrito.
Somebody make that happen.

Oh and happy fake holiday where we supposedly got our independence from Spain. Cheers. We all know this is so Americans (aka UCSB) can get drunk in our honour.

I feel summer creeping up on me.

2009-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

You know how I know?

I've been playing my Wii far too much for the past two days.
Oh Animal Crossing and Super Mario 64, you will kill me this quarter.

Exhibit A

2009-05-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I had a boyfriend. I can't recall his face but I don't think he was terribly good looking.

Anyways, in the dream he told me he loved me and all I could say was, get this,

"Really?"

Hahahaha, oh dream self. You're almost as bad as real self.

The moral of the story is, I'm gonna die alone.

It's already May?!

2009-05-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

When did that happen?!

That's pretty ridiculous. I can't believe I move out in a little over a month. GAH. That's just, wow.

I need to read more.

2009-05-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Sleeeeeepy.

2009-04-30T11:43:00.001-07:00

I need sleep.

Why is everything amazing?

2009-04-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

I get to see Rufus Wainwright later today. I don't know how I got to be so fucking lucky. Oh and did I mention I get to see him after going to Disneyland? Yeah.

I just saw Death Cab and HOLY SHIT I was in the very front right in front of Ben and just about died. It was so fucking good and that man is on speed. I'm just glad he didn't play my song or I would have bawled like a baby. (Note: I cried anyways.)

Music makes my life.

Oh and Jake should check out Ra Ra Riot cos they have a hot cello girl. Like, I text Erin and told her I had a girl crush and that I think we're married.

Yeayuhhh.

2009-04-28T00:49:00.001-07:00

People are making me feel bad. I don't like that. I feel weird. Whatever, I'm seeing Death Cab tomorrow/later today. SUCK IT.

Oh, birthdays.

2009-04-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

It's one of my best friends, Martiza's, birthday today and it's also my mommy's!!! Yay for awesome people being born on the same day!!! Gah, I miss my mom so much right now.