it hurts.

i need to get my life together. everything i do is just blah. what am i doing this for? who am i doing this for? i don't understand anything right now. i hope this is just a funk and not a permanent state of being.

thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".

because i like to just steal from amanda.

this is so fucking beautiful.
and i want to direct it to shey:

“life will break you.
nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
you have to love.
you have to feel.
it is the reason you are here on earth.
you are here to risk your heart.
you are here to be swallowed up.
and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt,
or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
- louise erdrich, the painted drum, p. 247

oh hi.

hi blogging. remember me? i certainly remember you. i don't know if i want to get involved with you again. maybe we're better on this mutual break. we're the ross and rachel of the internet world, you and i. maybe i'll have your baby one day, but for now we'll just see where this goes.