ocd.

i'm in a weird place. my head feels weird. i want to clean my apartment ALL THE TIME. but i don't like cleaning when there are people around. i want to do it all the time. so much it starts to hurt. i think i'll do it tomorrow. it's even worse when you have a roommate you aren't on great terms with, so you feel like they might think it's invasive. i also hate how nobody else cleans on a constant basis but it's not their fault. they are cleaning well enough, i just can't push my crazy on them.

also, i'm only taking 12 units this quarter because it's all i could scrap together (i hate budget cuts), so i really REALLY need a job and feel like i'm wasting my time without one. i have so much free time. and YET, with all my free time i still don't read properly and study enough. i'm just hating myself right now. i need to get my life in order and i don't know where to start.

start over again.

i want to throw up and cry and just rid my body of the last week. i just need to get rid of all the yucky feelings. i need a full on catharsis. i wanna jump in the ocean. i wanna wash everything away.

i should write things.

i should do a lot of things.

it hurts.

i need to get my life together. everything i do is just blah. what am i doing this for? who am i doing this for? i don't understand anything right now. i hope this is just a funk and not a permanent state of being.

dreeeeeeeeeeams.

i had a dream last night, that i moved into an apartment for school.
but i moved in with anabel, a guy i had never met and a bitchy girl i had never met.
the guy was totally into me but nothing happened for the one day (?) i was there.
then i went home for the weekend and one of my friends who is a girl confessed her feelings for me. um. what?
and then the guy showed up at my house to hang out.
and thus my dream ended.

oh! oh!
i also had another dream the other night that i was getting married.
i was getting married in a half hour at disneyland but i was still getting ready at my house.
i don't really remember putting on a white dress or anything like that.
anyway i don't remember the guy i was going to marry except that he was a black guy.
seriously, that's all i remember.
the problem was i kept talking about how i shouldn't go through with it because i'm still in love with taylor (lautner). hahaha, oh dreams. you slay me.

my dreams have become entertaining, like watching and living television while i'm asleep.

things i need to blog about:

don't mind me, this is just a reminder.

1. what the internet means to me.
2. afp vs. lady gaga
3. the song "good day"
4. harry potter and my anger management

this is a burgeoning list.

Sleeeeeepy.

I need sleep.

I wanna go back to jumpin' puddles.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on with my life anymore.

Surreal.

Yesterday I met a man who lived the life I've always dreamt of living. It was surreal. I called my mom later and told her about it and she was encouraging of pursuing something I've always held underneath the surface and just pined after. I'll tell you details later.

Sometimes the world is not enough.

Can I stop being cheesy and sentimental now? I'm sick of this shit, it was never me. I'm not into that.

In other news tomorrow is gonna be shit, oh man.

Because I know Gum enjoys these so much...

come together
-The Beatles "Come Together"

Please.

I'm so confused about life, but it's a good confused. I feel like I'm suppose to be confused but I'm also sad because I think it's a confusion not a lot of people understand, or at least not a lot of the people I am surrounded by understand. I want to be able to talk to someone about what they want out of life beyond asking "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Do people still ask that question? I've always found it ridiculous and answered much to their chagrin "Me". I want to tell someone "Life is beautiful" and discuss with me why it is, or at least not laugh in my face. I feel like no one around me is grasping the complexities of life, or at least won't talk about it. Maybe people do, but they don't talk about it because apparently being lost and confused is a bad thing. I wish they wouldn't. I wish they would talk to me. I wish we could be lost together. Please be lost with me.

In the end...

I am knee-deep in The Perks of Being A Wallflower and it's as fantastic as everyone's always said. Normally I HATE references to The Catcher in the Rye or Holden Caulfield. Every new, different, or edgy book uses that reference. Just because it's a book about teens DOES NOT MEAN THE AUTHOR IS THE NEW SALINGER. That being said, this is one of those very rare and few books (and by rare and few I mean the only) that merits that comparison. It is Salingeresque with some Holden mannerisms while holding its own instead of trying to be a rip off of his work. I love it so far.

Earlier tonight my mom wanted to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. She chose Marley & Me and oh gosh. It was a fantastic idea to see that movie while simultaneously THE WORST IDEA EVER. I hadn't cried that hard in such a long time. My eyes got red and puffy and swollen. I had to stifle my sobs which subsequently sounded like choking. I don't know if you guys know this, most of the people reading this met me after the fact, but I used to have a dog. He was the most wonderful, loving, playful, AMAZING dog in the world. His name was Oliver and I had him since the day I was born till I was 16. I loved him with all my heart and he will forever be my first pet. At the end of the movie when Marley was going I remembered it all. That's exactly how Oliver was, he couldn't even move and his hearing was going. I think I was the only one besides my Dad who got to say bye to him. The day my Dad took him in to be put down I went out and talked to him and pet him and cried with him and said goodbye. He was fantastic and nobody could ever take his place in my heart. He was a big mutt, primarily German Shepard and was better than anything I could ever ask for. He was a better companion than most people. I don't tend to get emotional over people, but show me an animal in distress and I completely lose it. The movie helped me remember Oliver and it was nice to remember him, even if it brought up those painfully sad last few months together. Goddamn these cycles of life, but life is beautiful and I think even Oliver knew that.


the love you take is equal to the love you make.
-The Beatles "The End"

When I have nothing left to say...

I actually wrote a post, but blogger deleted it. Considering the content, go figure.

I love the whole one picture a day idea. I doubt I'll be doing quotes on my hands the whole time, but we'll see how it goes. I've done one of these blog challenges before, and when you're forced to write and blog every day, sometimes you just don't have anything to say. Hopefully instead it will force you to write something you never thought to write or want to write. Hopefully it'll force you to LOOK for something to write about, something that might not have occurred to you before. I'm wishing for the latter to happen more often but I can always fall back on something...



comfortably numb.
Pink Floyd- "Comfortably Numb"

Shut me off.

I'm currently reading Girl at Sea by Maureen Johnson and I think it will cheer me up. It's good already and I can't wait to keep reading.

I'm still shut off, I can feel it in my bones. It's an odd feeling, I quite like it. I wonder if this is what doing drugs is like although I never want to find out firsthand.

I wonder what I did in a past life or this life in which I deserved such great friends. Gum has been my rock for the last day and a half, and well, I guess I really needed it. (Gum is totally her real name, by the way.) I've been more honest with her than I think I've ever been with anyone. It's quite scary really but it's also relieving.

Also, I think I've found my new daily thing. Well, by daily I mean when I have my computer and internet access.



i will follow you into the dark...
-Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"

What a way to start off this contest...

Sorry to scare anyone who's been reading the last few posts. I've just turned myself off for a while. I don't know how long it will last, but I need this. I'm not a shell of a person, but I'm not "on". I'm not super crazy, hyperactive, funny and all that shit. So if that's why you're friends with me I would suggest staying away for a few weeks cos it's not happening. Don't mean to scare, I'm not contemplating suicide or any crap like that, I just need to indulge in a depression/falling apart for a while. Leave me be.

Fall together.

I'm starting to fall apart. To be honest, I don't know if I want to be put back together.



I must not tell lies.
-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Love of mine...

I don't know what's going on anymore. I think I'm sick of being "on" all the time. My body is forcing myself to shut down.

Gosh.

I'm kinda wishing I hadn't read Go Ask Alice at the moment. It's kinda fucked with me.