green patch.

i made it through my rough patch, which was hard to find myself getting out of. i took a 4-day weekend (aka don't go to class for two days) and had the extreme privilege of surrounding myself with people who love me. it was cleansing, emotionally, when my depression had manifested itself into a want to cleanse the physical. now i'm heading into my fifth week of classes (when did that happen?) and here's to hoping.

ocd.

i'm in a weird place. my head feels weird. i want to clean my apartment ALL THE TIME. but i don't like cleaning when there are people around. i want to do it all the time. so much it starts to hurt. i think i'll do it tomorrow. it's even worse when you have a roommate you aren't on great terms with, so you feel like they might think it's invasive. i also hate how nobody else cleans on a constant basis but it's not their fault. they are cleaning well enough, i just can't push my crazy on them.

also, i'm only taking 12 units this quarter because it's all i could scrap together (i hate budget cuts), so i really REALLY need a job and feel like i'm wasting my time without one. i have so much free time. and YET, with all my free time i still don't read properly and study enough. i'm just hating myself right now. i need to get my life in order and i don't know where to start.

i need to write more.

i really do. but until then, i'll post something i wrote months ago for my friend liz. it's something, but i don't know what.

the more I learn the less I understand
the complexities become overwhelming
I let them build up and wash over me
I allow myself the pleasure of basking in them
in total understandment of never understanding
I know our time is fleeting,
our agreement becoming more diluted by the second
I ache to hold onto you
to keep this with me as I keep on
but the tide becomes too high
and I wash back onto shore
watching you spread out into the sea
as quickly as you had come