so long.

it's been so long since i've been in an argument with someone that got so frustrating it almost reduced me to tears. it just happened. how can someone be so closed minded? i don't understand. how can someone negate someone else's existence? to say being bisexual is just confusion. never anything more. that everyone has to get married. everything is defined by marriage. everything is defined by what you were doing right before you died. so if i was with a girl from age 20-40 then a guy from 40-80 when i died then i'm straight because those 20 years of my life were just CONFUSION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THAN I DO AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO LABEL ME. IT IS JUST BAFFLING. i don't even know. i don't even fucking know.

this is why i'm gonna die alone.

yup.

it's that time of year again.

where i want to celebrate my birthday but everyone is too busy. friends drop out and those who can make it seem like an inconvenience. best friend's not going to vegas anymore, even though he was given two months notice and agreed all along. found out his sister is having a little something for her birthday that weekend. he just found out today.
does everyone feel like this? does everyone feel like wanting to celebrate their birthday is an intrusion on everyone else's life? i always organize dinners and parties. i guess i just don't want my friends to feel like i do right now.

so this happened.

http://sistersbeforebros.blogspot.com/

i wrote something. it's weird.

night is a scary place to be alone with your thoughts
solace went to sleep long ago,
with your family and friends
but you,
you're awake
thinking those thoughts that dare not creep along into the sunlight
and you sit there,
with your past and your future laid out in front of you like a spread
to pick and choose
because the present fails to exist once those last rays disappear
and you sit there wondering
where it all went wrong
where it will all go wrong
but now, now is where you decide
where the gates are lifted and you allow yourself to see everything that's been hiding
the monsters come out to play
to show their faces that cannot stand the way your heart beats during the day
cannot stand your frequent smiles
cannot stand your laugh that resonates throughout the world
but at night they have you
wrapped around their finger
dragging you into their world
you let them.
you don't protest because even if they loosen their grip
where will you go at this time of night?
logic is deep in slumber
confidence is fast asleep
reason is snoring.
so you lie awake
and allow the monsters to consume you
wishing for the light to stream through the window
praying for everything to wake up
you fight your way through the night and when the sun breaks,
oh god does it break,
the monsters retreat into the closet,
hide under the bed,
slide behind the bookcase,
each with a last courtesy nod thrown your way
because they know what they must do now
and they know where to find you again tonight
you continue to exist side by side,
but at night,
at night you dance.

cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.

yeah.

so it's raining.
just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do.
there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.
i fuck everything up.

so this is it.

i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.
i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see.
so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day.
it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.
so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.

ugh.

i am full of such self-loathing right now.

shows.

shows i must now keep up with cos of netflix.
skins, finished series 4. series 5 starts next year.
weeds, in the middle of season 6.

now i don't know what to start next. hm.