kill them

kill all the feelings. doooooooooooooooooo it.

weird.

i feel empty.

it's been a weird day, and not for any particular reason. which makes it even worse in my opinion. i can't pinpoint why i feel empty and know it will go away soon. it's just looming.

nightmares?

i had a dream today. i took a nap and i had a dream. i got knocked up by one of my friends from college. but i didn't know i was pregnant? my friend maritza was going around telling all of our friends about how happy she was and how we were gonna have a party, but only 20-30 people. small, by her standards. she runs around with an enthusiasm i obviously don't share. she leaves the apartment to go god knows where and i sit at the kitchen table with my friends anabel and brenda and say "i don't remember taking a test". anabel says something like she remembers. she was with me or maritza was. something along those lines. but i automatically know who the father is, but i don't remember the fun in getting pregnant. so that sucks. anabel starts asking me if i'm gonna finish up school after i have the baby and i start thinking "wait, am i having this baby? i can't get an abortion?" then somehow i think that i'm about 3 months along, not sure if that's too late. then i start holding my stomach like pregnant women do. i start feeling sick. then i wake up.
another baby dream where i don't remember having the kid/getting pregnant.
weird.

so long.

it's been so long since i've been in an argument with someone that got so frustrating it almost reduced me to tears. it just happened. how can someone be so closed minded? i don't understand. how can someone negate someone else's existence? to say being bisexual is just confusion. never anything more. that everyone has to get married. everything is defined by marriage. everything is defined by what you were doing right before you died. so if i was with a girl from age 20-40 then a guy from 40-80 when i died then i'm straight because those 20 years of my life were just CONFUSION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THAN I DO AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO LABEL ME. IT IS JUST BAFFLING. i don't even know. i don't even fucking know.

this is why i'm gonna die alone.

yup.

it's that time of year again.

where i want to celebrate my birthday but everyone is too busy. friends drop out and those who can make it seem like an inconvenience. best friend's not going to vegas anymore, even though he was given two months notice and agreed all along. found out his sister is having a little something for her birthday that weekend. he just found out today.
does everyone feel like this? does everyone feel like wanting to celebrate their birthday is an intrusion on everyone else's life? i always organize dinners and parties. i guess i just don't want my friends to feel like i do right now.

so this happened.

http://sistersbeforebros.blogspot.com/

i wrote something. it's weird.

night is a scary place to be alone with your thoughts
solace went to sleep long ago,
with your family and friends
but you,
you're awake
thinking those thoughts that dare not creep along into the sunlight
and you sit there,
with your past and your future laid out in front of you like a spread
to pick and choose
because the present fails to exist once those last rays disappear
and you sit there wondering
where it all went wrong
where it will all go wrong
but now, now is where you decide
where the gates are lifted and you allow yourself to see everything that's been hiding
the monsters come out to play
to show their faces that cannot stand the way your heart beats during the day
cannot stand your frequent smiles
cannot stand your laugh that resonates throughout the world
but at night they have you
wrapped around their finger
dragging you into their world
you let them.
you don't protest because even if they loosen their grip
where will you go at this time of night?
logic is deep in slumber
confidence is fast asleep
reason is snoring.
so you lie awake
and allow the monsters to consume you
wishing for the light to stream through the window
praying for everything to wake up
you fight your way through the night and when the sun breaks,
oh god does it break,
the monsters retreat into the closet,
hide under the bed,
slide behind the bookcase,
each with a last courtesy nod thrown your way
because they know what they must do now
and they know where to find you again tonight
you continue to exist side by side,
but at night,
at night you dance.

cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.

yeah.

so it's raining.
just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do.
there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.
i fuck everything up.