yeeeeeeah

i've hit that point where i want to throw up. just. i hate myself a little bit.

in other news this is why i don't tell people things. fun.

ugly feelings and thoughts

i found myself lately having ugly feelings and thoughts
and i remember that i was not always this pleasant, i think
that this is something i have to work at every day, everyone does
i've been such a happy person for so much of my time for so long that i forgot what it's like to be consumed by an ugly feeling
it's not fun
it's not nice
it's not something i want to continue
but then i appreciate its existence, i remember how amazing it is that it only comes once in a while
when something's worth it
although not justified
if that makes sense
good night.

fucking

for reals? like...really?

disappointed

safe to say

kill them

kill all the feelings. doooooooooooooooooo it.

weird.

i feel empty.

it's been a weird day, and not for any particular reason. which makes it even worse in my opinion. i can't pinpoint why i feel empty and know it will go away soon. it's just looming.

nightmares?

i had a dream today. i took a nap and i had a dream. i got knocked up by one of my friends from college. but i didn't know i was pregnant? my friend maritza was going around telling all of our friends about how happy she was and how we were gonna have a party, but only 20-30 people. small, by her standards. she runs around with an enthusiasm i obviously don't share. she leaves the apartment to go god knows where and i sit at the kitchen table with my friends anabel and brenda and say "i don't remember taking a test". anabel says something like she remembers. she was with me or maritza was. something along those lines. but i automatically know who the father is, but i don't remember the fun in getting pregnant. so that sucks. anabel starts asking me if i'm gonna finish up school after i have the baby and i start thinking "wait, am i having this baby? i can't get an abortion?" then somehow i think that i'm about 3 months along, not sure if that's too late. then i start holding my stomach like pregnant women do. i start feeling sick. then i wake up.
another baby dream where i don't remember having the kid/getting pregnant.
weird.

so long.

it's been so long since i've been in an argument with someone that got so frustrating it almost reduced me to tears. it just happened. how can someone be so closed minded? i don't understand. how can someone negate someone else's existence? to say being bisexual is just confusion. never anything more. that everyone has to get married. everything is defined by marriage. everything is defined by what you were doing right before you died. so if i was with a girl from age 20-40 then a guy from 40-80 when i died then i'm straight because those 20 years of my life were just CONFUSION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BETTER THAN I DO AND HAVE THE RIGHT TO LABEL ME. IT IS JUST BAFFLING. i don't even know. i don't even fucking know.

this is why i'm gonna die alone.

yup.

it's that time of year again.

where i want to celebrate my birthday but everyone is too busy. friends drop out and those who can make it seem like an inconvenience. best friend's not going to vegas anymore, even though he was given two months notice and agreed all along. found out his sister is having a little something for her birthday that weekend. he just found out today.
does everyone feel like this? does everyone feel like wanting to celebrate their birthday is an intrusion on everyone else's life? i always organize dinners and parties. i guess i just don't want my friends to feel like i do right now.