spam.

my posts have started to get spam comments on them. i don't know if that's supposed to symbolize what this blog has become but i hope not.

i've been in a weird place lately, but i am VERY AWARE that it is a weird place. my brain seems fuzzy all the time, and i don't know if it's just cos i'm sick. i'm hoping once i'm over it, the weird place will dissipate. i've always been working on trying to identify what i'm feeling and whether i want to pursue those feelings. whether it's worth it to be depressed, or angry. i think many of our feelings are very much voluntary. not necessarily when we start feeling them but for how long we continue to let them live within us and consume us. it's very easy to let depression consume you. around this time last year i remember the conscious decision to let my depression take over me because i didn't allow myself to feel for so long. it felt good to dive into those feelings and indulge in destruction. but not literal destruction.

go ask alice sparked that. that book will forever be associated with that time for me, and i am eternally grateful for opening up that gate that i was so terrified to open. those close to me saw it firsthand, they knew something was wrong. only one person actually knew exactly what was going on in my life and that's because she lived with me. i had to explain weird things to her, and she was very understanding and comforting and could empathize to some extent. i haven't let myself be depressed since then, i think. no longer than a day. i don't let myself. i don't know if that's why i'm in this weird place, if i'm flirting with that line again. i don't think i am, i don't find myself to have any reason to be.

it may be sickening and it's cliche, but i loved the writing that came out of my depression. everything i did or listened to or watched just felt so fucking real. it was raw. i allowed music to enter my soul, let words become embedded within me. i allowed it because i was already in a vulnerable state. music and writing move me to no end, but i've never been as deeply affected as i was during that time period. who killed amanda palmer will forever be the music associated with that time.

don't get me wrong, i would never. ever. wish those circumstances upon me again, or to anyone else for that matter. i'm not wishing for them to come back to allow me to be depressed, but it was nice to access those feelings. but i also like being happy so much.

now i'll stop before my vagueness becomes even more maddening for you, i'm sure.

sorry, self,

i'm only allotting you five minutes to cry. you have things to do.

i should write things.

i should do a lot of things.

remember the time?

i was like, i just made a tumblr. why did i do that?
i know why now:
act naturally
(hint: it involves pictures of zooey deschanel, jenny lewis, george harrison and robert downey jr.)

looking for john, omegle edition.

You: john green?!
Stranger: imagine
You: okay i will
Stranger: okay, cool.
You: sup, john?
Stranger: oh nothing much. you?!
You: nothing much either, just looking for you, but i found you. yay!
Stranger: yyayyaya.
Stranger: just kidding. im not john green.
Stranger: im miley cyrus.
Stranger: so yeah. im too cool for you, bye!
You: oh, miley.

You: john green?!
Stranger: r u a hot guy?
You: all the time
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey!
You: john green?!
Stranger: yes!
You: well how do i know this is actually john?
You: and not my cat?
Stranger: only john green would know that you have cat.
You: yes, because john green is omnipresent.
Stranger: you know it
Stranger: im not gunna lie. i have no idea what the fuck that means.
You: hahaha it means he's everywhere
You: and knows everything
Stranger: ohh. right....
Stranger: then yes. that is true
You: OKAY I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS NOW, BYE.

You: john green?!
Stranger: nope
Stranger: BATMAN
Stranger: sorry
You: darn
You: latez, batey

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi wanna have a gay orgy?
You: ALWAYS
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey
You: john green?!
Stranger: YES!
You: I WISH!

You: john green?!
Stranger: Ryan Blue!?
You: touche.
Stranger: Indeed.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Terry Boot?
You: nope, sorry
Stranger: an abundance of katherines is a good book
You: i'm a hufflepuff
You: it really is
Stranger: holy shit!
Stranger: you got the reference
You: hpnerd4lyfe
Stranger: my life is now complete
You: hahah
Stranger: you, my friend, have just made my night :)
You: glad to be of service!

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: what's that mean??
Stranger: im korean
Stranger: haha
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: no?!
You: okay?!
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Dear Stranger, Your a wonderufl person on the inside and out and God loves you dearly. I hope you had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful week :)
You: why thank you.

You: john green?!
Stranger: No, this is Jon Greene
You: so close
Stranger: Yet so far
Stranger: Good luck
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: YES
Stranger: ADAM?!
You: NO?!
Stranger: WOW
You: WHEE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: yes
You: cool.
Stranger: :D
You: :)
Stranger: :(
You: :/
Stranger: _|_
You: i don't know what that is, john.
Stranger: it's a penis _|_
You: oh, fun.
You have disconnected.

nerdfighting.

i met hank green today. he is one half of the vlogbrothers, and a person i literally owe a lot to. it was like meeting half of j.k. rowling in a way. not quite as much because i've only been nerdfighting for 2 years, but still pretty significant. i promised myself i wouldn't back out of really telling him what i wanted to, like i did when i talked to john three times. so i told him. i thanked him for everything and explained what project for awesome had done for me. how it was a horrible day. how my mom had just had surgery. halfway through i almost started crying, i was shaking, and he just held out his arms to hug me. he hugged me hard and kept me there for a few seconds and let me finish. i needed that. i really did.

anyways, it made me remember this comment i made on the p4a experience to a friend who interviewed me about it:

"That day was actually really special to me, and the whole community was really vital to my sanity that day. It was the day my mom was having her surgery. After I came home from seeing her at the hospital I went straight to my computer to get my mind off things and help the project, to find out they were just about to start commenting and addressing my video. John was leading it and they all comforted me with kind words and virtual hugs while I told them all about my trip to the hospital and the status of my mom. I had never been more overwhelmed with love and gratitude in my life by virtual strangers, but the love I felt from them was genuine."

Oh, Ross.

Yeah I just referenced an ongoing joke that you could only understand if you read my blog. I hope you do. You probably don't. I hardly blog anymore. The words haven't been coming so easily these days, but I haven't really been creating much of anything through any other medium. So when I see my neglected blog, I feel a bit of shame. My creative juices aren't so juicy. At pretty much every point in my life, I look back on prior writing and think "God, I use to be so funny" or "God, I was such a good writer". Maybe in a year I'll look back on this blog and think "God, I was so good at talking about the past". Oh, RENT, how you stir emotions in me and continue to narrate my life.

how can you leave the past behind
when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
it reaches way down deep
and tears you inside out
'til you're torn apart.

narcissism.

i am really obsessed with how i look today. like. if i was a guy or lez, i would TOTALLY DO ME. is that weird?

it hurts.

i need to get my life together. everything i do is just blah. what am i doing this for? who am i doing this for? i don't understand anything right now. i hope this is just a funk and not a permanent state of being.

thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".