thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".