thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".

because i like to just steal from amanda.

this is so fucking beautiful.
and i want to direct it to shey:

“life will break you.
nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
you have to love.
you have to feel.
it is the reason you are here on earth.
you are here to risk your heart.
you are here to be swallowed up.
and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt,
or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
- louise erdrich, the painted drum, p. 247

a concert in a blog.

it's 6 a.m. i haven't slept. so i'm blogging.

every once in a while i feel compelled to write about the experience that was the jenny owen youngs/amanda palmer show at the troubadour. but then i realize i could never put into words what an amazing experience it was. i get discouraged from trying, because this event is one of those things that i let myself fully enjoy. i made the conscious decision to not take any pictures, video, or anything like that. i was there, physically and mentally. i wasn't living the concert through another medium. i was there, in every sense of the world. it felt nice. it was like one of those times you decide you're gonna live life instead of talking about it or capturing it through film (which is what most of my life is dedicated to).

just some highlights, not a play by play:

jenny's new song "clean break", which is inspired by one of my favourite dresden dolls songs "sex changes".

jenny and amanda sang my favourite jenny song "fuck was i" together.

the two amazing people also covered a true american classic entitled "complicated" complete with "your mom" jokes.

i love shores of california, but "missed me" has been stuck in my head ever since the concert.

and lastly, a billie jean cover that brought me to tears and sent chills down my spine.

trust me, it would be wise to watch the entire concert since this person taped it. it was brilliant. you can hear amanda read one of the stories from her book "who killed amanda palmer?" that her boyfriend neil gaiman wrote.

other mentionable moments:
-talking to a very drunk jenny owen youngs about how intense ucsb is and how we took back the night.
-meeting weird al. (OH YEAH!)
-giving beth much deserved sugar cookies and hugs and receiving a kiss.
-learning that very hungry neil gaiman, amanda palmer, and beth loved my cookies.

life is good.

how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.

so before i get to how thursday night was quite possibly one of the best experiences of my life, let me talk about how i got to be there and you know, how amazing beth hommel is.

around 8 months ago i wrote a blog about how beth's outlook on life and writing in her blog made me come to some realizations of my own. i adored this woman from afar, about how she could turn the worst situations in beautiful words and watched as she navigated through a new part of her life. i do this with a few bloggers. i read all their work and adore them and know much about their life, but i always forget to comment, or think i have nothing of substance to contribute to their lives/comment sections. however, after months of reading her blog i felt like i knew her, or at least the part of her life she allowed her blog readers to enter and comment on. i slightly envied her for the seemingly quick transition into the circus world known as the punk cabaret/amanda fucking palmer/dresden dolls world. anyways, when she joined twitter along with amanda, i somehow felt that i knew her enough to follow her and that she was well known enough in the community to not care that i was following her (i found the idea of "following" her, when i don't know her and she isn't technically famous, somewhat creepy).

anyways, i'll cut to this week. on monday i found out that my friend from college still wanted to go to the amanda show with me on thursday, so i had a ride. i was excited and thought in my mind, okay i'll buy the tickets tomorrow and we'll go. so i decided to be creepy and tell beth, who i found out was going to be merch girl, that i wanted to bring her something. i felt like i knew her, she knows how loving this community is, and this was my first time meeting her. she let me know that i didn't need to bring her anything but that she doesn't refuse sugar cookies. soon after i left to the store to buy two rolls of sugar cookie dough. i came back and talked to my other friend (the one i went to the ninja beach gathering with) and asked her if she was going to the show on thursday. she didn't know about it and looked up tickets and soon informed me they were sold out. i quickly freaked out and became sad. i then informed beth that i had planned to buy my tickets that night but they were sold out and i had already bought her cookie dough and that i was sorry. she quickly pm'ed and told me she could get me into the show and to e-mail. we e-mailed and she put me on the list for the troubadour. all because a stranger with love wanted to give her sugar cookies and hugs. all because in this island of "misfit toys" as she lovingly refers to us, we are generous, accepting, and beautiful. and that's how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.
perhaps tomorrow i shall blog about the actual show that made my life.

loooooooove.

i had a fucking phenomenal night that i will blog about tomorrow.
in the mean time i will leave you with this crappy quality video that helps sum up my night:

i hung out with amanda palmer today.

a few days ago amanda announced on her twitter that she would be having a ninja party on the beach today. i, of course, leaped at the chance and found out my friend was planning to go too. her mom wanted to drive us though, but it was cool because her mom is, um, AMAZING.

so the plan for the beach party was to hang, some uke music, and a photo shoot. we were asked to come dressed in black and bring bright flowers. unfortunately my friend and i couldn't get there till 6 when it started at 4, but we got there just in time for the hour long photo shoot. i played dead and god, i hurt the crap out of my knee in my awkward position. little did i know amanda would end up lying next to me, and you know, end up naked for part of the shoot.

she's as amazing as you would think she would be. she radiates love, empowerment, and so many other things that just combine to make a lovely person.

so we did a photo shoot for an hour, while my friend's mom blew bubbles all over our dead bodies and naked amanda for the photos. then she signed things, hugged people, got kisses, and loved everyone. hopefully i'll post the pictures when they're released. also, if things work out right i will be blogging soon about how fucking awesome beth, her assistant, is.

AFP.

I know a lot of people have been ragging on her cover of this song but I think it's so fucking beautiful I almost cried when I first listened to it. It is now on repeat while I write a paper about gender bending. Fucking gorgeous.