spam.

my posts have started to get spam comments on them. i don't know if that's supposed to symbolize what this blog has become but i hope not.

i've been in a weird place lately, but i am VERY AWARE that it is a weird place. my brain seems fuzzy all the time, and i don't know if it's just cos i'm sick. i'm hoping once i'm over it, the weird place will dissipate. i've always been working on trying to identify what i'm feeling and whether i want to pursue those feelings. whether it's worth it to be depressed, or angry. i think many of our feelings are very much voluntary. not necessarily when we start feeling them but for how long we continue to let them live within us and consume us. it's very easy to let depression consume you. around this time last year i remember the conscious decision to let my depression take over me because i didn't allow myself to feel for so long. it felt good to dive into those feelings and indulge in destruction. but not literal destruction.

go ask alice sparked that. that book will forever be associated with that time for me, and i am eternally grateful for opening up that gate that i was so terrified to open. those close to me saw it firsthand, they knew something was wrong. only one person actually knew exactly what was going on in my life and that's because she lived with me. i had to explain weird things to her, and she was very understanding and comforting and could empathize to some extent. i haven't let myself be depressed since then, i think. no longer than a day. i don't let myself. i don't know if that's why i'm in this weird place, if i'm flirting with that line again. i don't think i am, i don't find myself to have any reason to be.

it may be sickening and it's cliche, but i loved the writing that came out of my depression. everything i did or listened to or watched just felt so fucking real. it was raw. i allowed music to enter my soul, let words become embedded within me. i allowed it because i was already in a vulnerable state. music and writing move me to no end, but i've never been as deeply affected as i was during that time period. who killed amanda palmer will forever be the music associated with that time.

don't get me wrong, i would never. ever. wish those circumstances upon me again, or to anyone else for that matter. i'm not wishing for them to come back to allow me to be depressed, but it was nice to access those feelings. but i also like being happy so much.

now i'll stop before my vagueness becomes even more maddening for you, i'm sure.

sorry, self,

i'm only allotting you five minutes to cry. you have things to do.