green patch.

i made it through my rough patch, which was hard to find myself getting out of. i took a 4-day weekend (aka don't go to class for two days) and had the extreme privilege of surrounding myself with people who love me. it was cleansing, emotionally, when my depression had manifested itself into a want to cleanse the physical. now i'm heading into my fifth week of classes (when did that happen?) and here's to hoping.

spam.

my posts have started to get spam comments on them. i don't know if that's supposed to symbolize what this blog has become but i hope not.

i've been in a weird place lately, but i am VERY AWARE that it is a weird place. my brain seems fuzzy all the time, and i don't know if it's just cos i'm sick. i'm hoping once i'm over it, the weird place will dissipate. i've always been working on trying to identify what i'm feeling and whether i want to pursue those feelings. whether it's worth it to be depressed, or angry. i think many of our feelings are very much voluntary. not necessarily when we start feeling them but for how long we continue to let them live within us and consume us. it's very easy to let depression consume you. around this time last year i remember the conscious decision to let my depression take over me because i didn't allow myself to feel for so long. it felt good to dive into those feelings and indulge in destruction. but not literal destruction.

go ask alice sparked that. that book will forever be associated with that time for me, and i am eternally grateful for opening up that gate that i was so terrified to open. those close to me saw it firsthand, they knew something was wrong. only one person actually knew exactly what was going on in my life and that's because she lived with me. i had to explain weird things to her, and she was very understanding and comforting and could empathize to some extent. i haven't let myself be depressed since then, i think. no longer than a day. i don't let myself. i don't know if that's why i'm in this weird place, if i'm flirting with that line again. i don't think i am, i don't find myself to have any reason to be.

it may be sickening and it's cliche, but i loved the writing that came out of my depression. everything i did or listened to or watched just felt so fucking real. it was raw. i allowed music to enter my soul, let words become embedded within me. i allowed it because i was already in a vulnerable state. music and writing move me to no end, but i've never been as deeply affected as i was during that time period. who killed amanda palmer will forever be the music associated with that time.

don't get me wrong, i would never. ever. wish those circumstances upon me again, or to anyone else for that matter. i'm not wishing for them to come back to allow me to be depressed, but it was nice to access those feelings. but i also like being happy so much.

now i'll stop before my vagueness becomes even more maddening for you, i'm sure.

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd.

Today's been a...crazy, yet mundane day.

I slept in and skipped Chicano Studies. I went to Psych class and I'm pretty sure I bombed my midterm. Oh well. And from there I indulged in my depression and just moped. I don't think you understand how upset and sad I've been that I couldn't go to see John Green. Sigh. Oh well. I went downtown and opened up a new bank account, then we took Gus to get a haircut. We went into Borders and Aline called me from the Nerdfighter event. I got to talk to John Green, or more like, John Green got to talk at me. Which is really nice because I tend to lose all verbal skills when I talk to him (this being the third time). Aline also bought me a new Alaska (I still love my original, with the candle burning, and the pages falling apart.) and got John to sign it. I swear, I love that girl so much. We haven't been together for 10 years for no reason.

We went to the bus stop and a guy gave me a popsicle. He had a box of popsicles he was trying to give away. It wasn't even laced with drugs or anything! I don't know why that made my day, but it did.

I love the energy around the dorms right now with Halloween. There's lots of fun going on that is skank-free and doesn't need alcohol and drugs to be awesome. Trick or treating and shit. Now we've been watching The L Word for hours and it just makes me happy.