Friday, May 7, 2010


i need to write about this. i need to get it out of my system. i'm back home in l.a. for mother's day and it feels like summer. full on summer. i'm sitting in the living room with the air conditioning on, waiting to see if the pool is ready to go swimming. and i just feel so weird. i don't know if i'm nostalgic for old times or disgusted. it reminds me of talking to hssd, which sort of makes me want to cry and i don't know why. it reminds me of going to remus lupins shows and seeing shey and going to see rent and panic at the disco and gayface and vegas. it reminds me of skyping with ftw until 5 in the morning. it reminds me of when i used to actually live here, when being here didn't have an end date in sight of when i was leaving. when i didn't have to balance seeing old friends and family. of feeling bad for turning down friends who think i don't wanna see them when i feel more compelled or obligated to see my family. i love my family, and after what we've been through for the past 2 years i come home to see THEM, and i tend to feel bad if i don't spend enough time with them.

i think of pirates of the caribbean midnight showing. harry potter midnight showings. harry potter book releases. life before college was so different. not worse or better, just different. i think i'm yearning for it in a way. i don't know what this summer's going to be like, i'm not going to be living back home. i'm going to be in santa barbara working, and just figuring stuff out i guess. i'm scared but super excited. i think a lot of what brought this up was actually the iron man 2 release. i felt like i should have been there at midnight last night, not just because i'm desperately in love with robert downey jr. and love iron man but because DUH, it's SUMMER. and that's what we do. i don't even know what i'm feeling but it's a mix of nostalgia and other things. i don't know if i wanna sit in this or just go home to sb. it's weird.

the good cheer with shey.
breaking dawn
time to find new bands
new music
being indie

summers hold so much promise, i hate when they let me down.


shelana said...

good cheer <3

i miss you. i'll visit you in sb this summer.

Jake said...

There is absolutely no question when it comes to my life: things were rough and sometimes bad, but the time before college was better than now. This an absolute truth.

I know that, and I think about it too often, but I also know that it is a time which is firmly in the past. I'll never get it back, and I don't want it, but I do miss it, and I wish I could spend time with my friends and family without that awful pressure that I have now. There's no way to cram the one-year-every-year I want to spend with them into the three-weeks-per-year reality allows.

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