Monday, November 15, 2010

so this is it.

i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.
i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see.
so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day.
it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.
so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.

Monday, November 1, 2010


i am full of such self-loathing right now.
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