cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.

yeah.

so it's raining.
just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do.
there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.
i fuck everything up.

so this is it.

i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.
i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see.
so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day.
it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.
so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.

ugh.

i am full of such self-loathing right now.

shows.

shows i must now keep up with cos of netflix.
skins, finished series 4. series 5 starts next year.
weeds, in the middle of season 6.

now i don't know what to start next. hm.

progress...

...is me calling my parents and not breaking down and running to the closet to cry ugly oprah sobs. progress.

a list.

of everything i've watched from netflix so far.

-the september issue
-water lilies
-new york, i love you
-cabaret
-lost: season 3
-first 4 episodes of skins: volume 1
-1 episode of shorties watchin' shorties
-arrested development

for jake

this post is for jake. sure i could write it as a comment on his blog, but i had to make it public because i'm shameless like that.

READY?

i saw flight of the conchords live tonight.

please leave how jealous you are in the comments.

(also, opening acts were: kristen schaal aka mel, arj barker aka dave, and eugene mirman aka...eugene)

oh, lost

warning: this is incoherent and ridiculous

i loved the lost series finale.
i know it's so cliche or cheesy to wrap up the series as a complete nod to religion or spirituality. i am so enamoured with religion, even though i don't agree with the organized religion. i am so fascinated with death, not so much as to what comes after it, but everything that goes along with it. i love things that deal with death and spirituality. so many people try to avoid it, but it's inevitable. i love when characters i love face it head on. harry potter. jack shepard. to come to terms with death is to accept something that could keep you in constant fear, to keep you from living. there is so much i love about this that i can't even put into words properly. it's like harry potter all over again, but not as intense because i haven't put as much love and time into it. harry potter was nine years, this was mere months. but i remember the feeling, lost brought it back. i love putting all my love and time into something, because it's given me so much back that i could never express my gratitude. i've used the word love so much in this post but i can't help it, it's all i have to give, when lost has given me so much.

the past

i've learned there's a difference between a longing and reverence for the past and letting it infiltrate your mind so much that you're not allowing yourself to live now.

which leads to the second harry potter tattoo to enter my folder:
"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"