thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".

because i like to just steal from amanda.

this is so fucking beautiful.
and i want to direct it to shey:

“life will break you.
nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
you have to love.
you have to feel.
it is the reason you are here on earth.
you are here to risk your heart.
you are here to be swallowed up.
and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt,
or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
- louise erdrich, the painted drum, p. 247

oh hi.

hi blogging. remember me? i certainly remember you. i don't know if i want to get involved with you again. maybe we're better on this mutual break. we're the ross and rachel of the internet world, you and i. maybe i'll have your baby one day, but for now we'll just see where this goes.

i don't want to bug.

sometimes i feel like the friend who you hang out with when your first choice bails/is busy. i only feel like that towards one person right now and it drives me CRAZY. I GET UPSET AND WEIRD SO I PUSH MYSELF ON THEM EVEN MORE WHICH WILL THUS MAKE HIM/HER NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME EVEN MORE.

sigh.

i just died a little.

dreeeeeeeeeeams.

i had a dream last night, that i moved into an apartment for school.
but i moved in with anabel, a guy i had never met and a bitchy girl i had never met.
the guy was totally into me but nothing happened for the one day (?) i was there.
then i went home for the weekend and one of my friends who is a girl confessed her feelings for me. um. what?
and then the guy showed up at my house to hang out.
and thus my dream ended.

oh! oh!
i also had another dream the other night that i was getting married.
i was getting married in a half hour at disneyland but i was still getting ready at my house.
i don't really remember putting on a white dress or anything like that.
anyway i don't remember the guy i was going to marry except that he was a black guy.
seriously, that's all i remember.
the problem was i kept talking about how i shouldn't go through with it because i'm still in love with taylor (lautner). hahaha, oh dreams. you slay me.

my dreams have become entertaining, like watching and living television while i'm asleep.

not a gum-approved blog.

whenever someone asks me "so what have you been doing this summer?"

i want to say "jacking off" with a deadpan stare.

but that's not very appropriate now, is it?

a blog about blogging.

right. so. a blog.

this is going to be a pretty long one, gathering what i can from what my brain wants me to write. so unless you feel a personal interest in my livelihood or want some back story on me because i'm going to be a character in your book, you shouldn't feel like this is a mandatory blog (oh wait, liz IS making me a character in her book, this one's for you liz).

see, the problem with me is that when i get passionate about something or get the inspiration to write about something, i get it in the most inconvenient places. over the course of a few weeks i've compiled a short list in my brain of things i want to write or talk about. i'm sure i've forgotten some of them, my brain isn't the best over the course of a few weeks. i tend to get inspiration in restaurants, the shower, or while listening to amanda palmer in a car. these are all things where i'm not in the position to drop whatever i'm doing and run to the computer or a piece of paper. even as i finally sit down to write this blog, i wrote out most of it in my brain in the shower. however, the trek between the shower and the computer becomes a race of brain and body to get to the computer and write this all down before i forget. before i forget the perfectly formed sentences in my head that convey everything i'm feeling. in between the shower and writing this, i stood half-naked in my room searching for a shirt. frantically, i searched. the more frantic i am, the less likely something will happen quickly. i wanted to get here. i wanted to write this. then i get to my computer. and it decides to shut off. twice. it also decides to run a disk check and turn my stomach into knots. then about five sentences ago, my grandpa pounds furiously on the door, breaking my rhythm only to say good night. but i'm not mad at him, i love that he says good night. but it becomes maddening. it becomes maddening to know that every second someone or something is stealing my thoughts and my words while i try to fill in the rest of my life. while i do mundane things like putting on a shirt. i'm sure i wrote more in my head while i was in the shower, but in this mad dash i'm sure i've lost a good 30% in the rush to get here. and while all i wanted to do was write about harry potter, amanda fucking palmer, the internet, or my friends, this quickly became a blog about writing a blog.

determinedly yours,
nicole

things i need to blog about:

don't mind me, this is just a reminder.

1. what the internet means to me.
2. afp vs. lady gaga
3. the song "good day"
4. harry potter and my anger management

this is a burgeoning list.

a concert in a blog.

it's 6 a.m. i haven't slept. so i'm blogging.

every once in a while i feel compelled to write about the experience that was the jenny owen youngs/amanda palmer show at the troubadour. but then i realize i could never put into words what an amazing experience it was. i get discouraged from trying, because this event is one of those things that i let myself fully enjoy. i made the conscious decision to not take any pictures, video, or anything like that. i was there, physically and mentally. i wasn't living the concert through another medium. i was there, in every sense of the world. it felt nice. it was like one of those times you decide you're gonna live life instead of talking about it or capturing it through film (which is what most of my life is dedicated to).

just some highlights, not a play by play:

jenny's new song "clean break", which is inspired by one of my favourite dresden dolls songs "sex changes".

jenny and amanda sang my favourite jenny song "fuck was i" together.

the two amazing people also covered a true american classic entitled "complicated" complete with "your mom" jokes.

i love shores of california, but "missed me" has been stuck in my head ever since the concert.

and lastly, a billie jean cover that brought me to tears and sent chills down my spine.

trust me, it would be wise to watch the entire concert since this person taped it. it was brilliant. you can hear amanda read one of the stories from her book "who killed amanda palmer?" that her boyfriend neil gaiman wrote.

other mentionable moments:
-talking to a very drunk jenny owen youngs about how intense ucsb is and how we took back the night.
-meeting weird al. (OH YEAH!)
-giving beth much deserved sugar cookies and hugs and receiving a kiss.
-learning that very hungry neil gaiman, amanda palmer, and beth loved my cookies.

life is good.