cried myself to sleep last night. thought that only happened in movies and when i was younger.

yeah.

so it's raining.
just an hour ago i was watching a movie and wrapping presents while everyone else sleeps in my house. i thought to myself "i like this. i can do being alone. i know i love being surrounded by people, but i could live alone". cut to an hour later where i'm crying about a friendship that has ended, is ending, or is just knee-deep in crap. i have no idea. i had no idea how dependent i was, or am. take them out of the equation and i feel alone. i honestly do.
there's another person outside my family that i think could be around me 24/7 and somehow still like me. too bad she lives on the other side of the country.
i fuck everything up.

so this is it.

i don't know why this hurts as much as it does.
i hardly get to see him as it is, a few visits here and there when i go home. but still. besocke is, and always has been, one of my favourite persons in the world. when i was in high school we had this weird, special bond. a relationship that was part friend, part teacher-student, part something else i can't put my finger on. i also used to get some shit from people that he favoured me and semi-jokes that we had a romantic relationship (we did not). this always angered me, that a student and a teacher couldn't be friends without something more implied. that's there always something sordid behind what they see.
so, he's moving away. to conneticut, no less. it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i am very much used to long-distance relationships with friends. e-mail, skype, and phone calls are an integral part in many of my friendships. it's how i met a lot of my friends. many of them live across the country. but when you're so used to having someone there, a physical tangible person, and now they're being whittled down to a skype call, it hurts. i'm not saying it's less meaningful or that real, meaningful relationships cannot be maintained that way (i have disproven this), it just hurts to have to make that change. to think of going back to the high school and him not being there is physically painful. his is the first room i visit, the first person i think of to see. to think of that room occupied by a stranger somewhat makes me sick. to visit deserted grounds inhabited by a ghost. i should man up and get over it. it's not a decision about me. his existence in life isn't just to be where i think he should be, doing what i think he should be doing. i am actually extremely happy for him. he's been pursuing many jobs since i've known him, looking for a better opportunity and he deserves it so much. once i get over the initial shock and get used to the idea, i'm sure all i will feel is happiness for him, and a sense of missing. but for now i'm just consumed with anger and sadness. i know the anger is not warranted, and i would never let him know i'm angry at him for leaving (i think), but it's just a stage. the sadness will subside and just be replaced with that dullness i am so accustomed to that accompanies missing someone. i live with it every day.
it doesn't help that the first part of deathly hallows comes out this thursday. which is like nailing the coffin on my childhood and this phenomenon. after these two movies the fandom will live on, but never in the same way. there will never be this anticipation for a new book or film. midnight gatherings and film premieres. i feel like the 7th book came out yesterday. that i held it in my hands for the first time and realized this was it. so many people don't understand the impact of harry potter on the fandom, the fandom which i am so grateful for. i sit around and wonder if other people have things like harry potter that have completely and utterly changed and consumed their lives for so long they don't know what their life would be without it. i don't mean trekkies, or other fandoms, but just regular people. i have no idea who i would be today, what i would be like, and who i would be friends with. i say this in complete confidence and honesty. it has literally influenced all aspects of my life.
so this is apparently a week of goodbyes, even if one is only beginning and the other hopefully more of a "so long". but it hurts, it really does.

ugh.

i am full of such self-loathing right now.

shows.

shows i must now keep up with cos of netflix.
skins, finished series 4. series 5 starts next year.
weeds, in the middle of season 6.

now i don't know what to start next. hm.

progress...

...is me calling my parents and not breaking down and running to the closet to cry ugly oprah sobs. progress.

a list.

of everything i've watched from netflix so far.

-the september issue
-water lilies
-new york, i love you
-cabaret
-lost: season 3
-first 4 episodes of skins: volume 1
-1 episode of shorties watchin' shorties
-arrested development

for jake

this post is for jake. sure i could write it as a comment on his blog, but i had to make it public because i'm shameless like that.

READY?

i saw flight of the conchords live tonight.

please leave how jealous you are in the comments.

(also, opening acts were: kristen schaal aka mel, arj barker aka dave, and eugene mirman aka...eugene)

oh, lost

warning: this is incoherent and ridiculous

i loved the lost series finale.
i know it's so cliche or cheesy to wrap up the series as a complete nod to religion or spirituality. i am so enamoured with religion, even though i don't agree with the organized religion. i am so fascinated with death, not so much as to what comes after it, but everything that goes along with it. i love things that deal with death and spirituality. so many people try to avoid it, but it's inevitable. i love when characters i love face it head on. harry potter. jack shepard. to come to terms with death is to accept something that could keep you in constant fear, to keep you from living. there is so much i love about this that i can't even put into words properly. it's like harry potter all over again, but not as intense because i haven't put as much love and time into it. harry potter was nine years, this was mere months. but i remember the feeling, lost brought it back. i love putting all my love and time into something, because it's given me so much back that i could never express my gratitude. i've used the word love so much in this post but i can't help it, it's all i have to give, when lost has given me so much.

the past

i've learned there's a difference between a longing and reverence for the past and letting it infiltrate your mind so much that you're not allowing yourself to live now.

which leads to the second harry potter tattoo to enter my folder:
"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

summers.

i need to write about this. i need to get it out of my system. i'm back home in l.a. for mother's day and it feels like summer. full on summer. i'm sitting in the living room with the air conditioning on, waiting to see if the pool is ready to go swimming. and i just feel so weird. i don't know if i'm nostalgic for old times or disgusted. it reminds me of talking to hssd, which sort of makes me want to cry and i don't know why. it reminds me of going to remus lupins shows and seeing shey and going to see rent and panic at the disco and gayface and vegas. it reminds me of skyping with ftw until 5 in the morning. it reminds me of when i used to actually live here, when being here didn't have an end date in sight of when i was leaving. when i didn't have to balance seeing old friends and family. of feeling bad for turning down friends who think i don't wanna see them when i feel more compelled or obligated to see my family. i love my family, and after what we've been through for the past 2 years i come home to see THEM, and i tend to feel bad if i don't spend enough time with them.

i think of pirates of the caribbean midnight showing. harry potter midnight showings. harry potter book releases. life before college was so different. not worse or better, just different. i think i'm yearning for it in a way. i don't know what this summer's going to be like, i'm not going to be living back home. i'm going to be in santa barbara working, and just figuring stuff out i guess. i'm scared but super excited. i think a lot of what brought this up was actually the iron man 2 release. i felt like i should have been there at midnight last night, not just because i'm desperately in love with robert downey jr. and love iron man but because DUH, it's SUMMER. and that's what we do. i don't even know what i'm feeling but it's a mix of nostalgia and other things. i don't know if i wanna sit in this or just go home to sb. it's weird.

the good cheer with shey.
breaking dawn
time to find new bands
new music
being indie

summers hold so much promise, i hate when they let me down.

what? survey? okay.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
1. i laugh at everything.
2. i can't just like something, i have to LOVE/OBSESS over it. (latest ex: lost)
3. i use to be far more cynical than i am now. isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
4. i have no idea what i'm doing.
5. i fantasize about my own death a lot, but i don't think it's morbid.
6. i play out my life in my head like it's a movie, complete with soundtrack.
7. i think older guys are way hotter than guys my age. like, OLDER.
8. i love singing.
9. i can't understand how people can be so ignorant.
10. i wish i was at disneyland pretty much all the time.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY
1. disneyland.
2. lost.
3. the lottery.
4. a job.
5. roommates.
6. robert downey jr.
7. my sickness.
8. robert downey jr.
9. josh holloway.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART
1. make me laugh.
2. don't be an ass.
3. unconditional love would be nice.
4. sharing in some of my passions would be nice.
5. dance with me to billie holiday (IMMEDIATE WINNER)
6. love going to disneyland.
7. be yourself.
8. don't shut me out.

What happened to seven?

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.
1. fantasize (not usually in a sexy way).
2. brush teeth.
3. put on retainers.
4. set the alarms.
5. toss and turn.
6. lock the doors.

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
1. thank you for putting up with me, i don't know how you do.
2. i do wish you lived with me.
3. i love you so unconditionally, i'm sorry we haven't talked lately.
4. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you.
5. i wish we could just hang out.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.
1. this survey.
2. watching glee.
3. thinking about sleep.
4. rubbing my eyes.

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF
1. emergency broadcast tests.
2. being alone in every sense of the word.
3. monotony

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. travel abroad
2. fall in love

ONE CONFESSION
1. i feel over everything, i'm sure i'll change by tomorrow.

green patch.

i made it through my rough patch, which was hard to find myself getting out of. i took a 4-day weekend (aka don't go to class for two days) and had the extreme privilege of surrounding myself with people who love me. it was cleansing, emotionally, when my depression had manifested itself into a want to cleanse the physical. now i'm heading into my fifth week of classes (when did that happen?) and here's to hoping.

ocd.

i'm in a weird place. my head feels weird. i want to clean my apartment ALL THE TIME. but i don't like cleaning when there are people around. i want to do it all the time. so much it starts to hurt. i think i'll do it tomorrow. it's even worse when you have a roommate you aren't on great terms with, so you feel like they might think it's invasive. i also hate how nobody else cleans on a constant basis but it's not their fault. they are cleaning well enough, i just can't push my crazy on them.

also, i'm only taking 12 units this quarter because it's all i could scrap together (i hate budget cuts), so i really REALLY need a job and feel like i'm wasting my time without one. i have so much free time. and YET, with all my free time i still don't read properly and study enough. i'm just hating myself right now. i need to get my life in order and i don't know where to start.

i need to write more.

i really do. but until then, i'll post something i wrote months ago for my friend liz. it's something, but i don't know what.

the more I learn the less I understand
the complexities become overwhelming
I let them build up and wash over me
I allow myself the pleasure of basking in them
in total understandment of never understanding
I know our time is fleeting,
our agreement becoming more diluted by the second
I ache to hold onto you
to keep this with me as I keep on
but the tide becomes too high
and I wash back onto shore
watching you spread out into the sea
as quickly as you had come

start over again.

i want to throw up and cry and just rid my body of the last week. i just need to get rid of all the yucky feelings. i need a full on catharsis. i wanna jump in the ocean. i wanna wash everything away.

weird place.

i'm in one of those weird places now. there are too many thoughts up in my head and too many ideas. when i'm given too many options or ideas i become overloaded and just shut down and don't want to do anything. i'm usually a take things as they come person, but i do plan ahead a lot. i compartmentalize in my brain what is now and what is later. i worry about what i need to do NOW, save the other stuff for later. but i feel like my compartments are broken and are just spilling over into each other. how do i fix that? i need to start doing yoga. maybe a list? this is for me, i'm boring so don't worry about it. also, the fact that i am completely and utterly broke in every sense of the word and just threw away most of my food cos it's moldy may be a huge problem. food=love; lack of food=headache withdrawals

-midterm this friday-math
-lines for theatre
-finals week-art history/math
-final paper-fem
-read for self
-plans for this weekend
-spring break plans?
-disneyland is much needed at this point
-birthday plans?
-somehow acquire money, eat food.

i feel at this point it's because everything's hitting me at once and needs immediate attention? if it were just finals and too many options for spring break i would be fine dealing with it, but add to the fact that i don't have food and don't know when i will. well. it's hard to focus on the other stuff.

memory lane.

so i was looking through some old stuff on the internet and i came upon the guy i liked in high school. i was a freshman when he was a senior. he had a girlfriend yet flirted with me incessantly and i let him. his girlfriend hated me. he told me he wanted to take me to the prom but he had a girlfriend. weird shit.
so he graduated and i didn't talk to him after that. about a year later i found out he was dating someone else and soon after, married her! hahahaha. that was so weird.
now i've looked him up again and he's divorced. BAHAHAHA. why is that so funny? i'm terrible.
and even though i don't care about looks or weight and i hate using the word fat, he's definitely put on the pounds since high school. like, WHOA. sorry, i'm gonna die in my sleep now cos i'm a terrible person. hehehe.

21.

all my comments are spam. honestly, i got 5 of them in the last week. C'MON PEOPLE. just, you know, say hi or something.

i was just thinking about how my 21st birthday is in like a year or something. holy shit. remember when we would count this down, shey? going on 6 years?! ridic. i'm gonna do vegas, cos it's cliche except i like, live in vegas so it's not so cliche but more like something i would do on any birthday. then i realized i'm pretty early in my group of friends to turn 21. so i would be going with my family, whom i love, but i want friends. i'm looking at you, shey and erin, aka the only people who read this besides spammers. well, maybe only spammers do now. i've lost my appeal. my two best friends who turn before me wouldn't be able to either probably. one is on her way to med school (overachiever) and the other lives in new york. fun times. this is a ramble. forgive me.

lost.

thursday i decided to, FINALLY, join the lost bandwagon. i just think of it as being a huge procrastinator. in 3 days i have managed to watch the first 20 episodes (is that pathetic or what?). so i give you:

nicole's thoughts and analysis of lost so far:
-oh wow, jack is pretty hot
-locke is fucking smart as hell
-sayid is pretty good looking
-INCEST?!
-is there gonna be one episode without a fight, or disaster?
-charlie is adorable, damn drug addict
-IMMACULATE CONCEPTION?!
-*bug eyes*
-holy shit, if i was on the island i'd be fucking sawyer every chance i got
-every. chance.

neil gaiman.

i went to see neil gaiman talk last night.
it was lovely.
he is an amazing story teller, not only with words but with reading aloud. i wish he would read everything to me, including instruction manuals.
i went with my nerdfighting friend elise, who is an above and beyond neil gaiman fangirl.
there was a line to get books signed (because we were the lucky school that got a book signing, suck it UCLA), and i had a strategy. due to my extensive meeting of people (?), i knew that if we went to the back of the line, we would get a tad more time to talk to him, and get a more uncensored, REAL, meeting. there were a few others who thought along the same lines and they were fun people.
i'd met him before, but it was much more informal, at an amanda palmer show. i hardly talked to him, or amanda for that matter, but mostly to beth, amanda's assistant. this was the first time really talking to him.
so i brought fragile things cos it was the only gaiman book i had with me up here in sb, then i realized i also had jd salinger's franny and zooey with me cos i just carry it everywhere to read it. so we waited 3 hours and got to meet him at 1 in the morning, while he made cute little british yawns and still cracked jokes.
when he saw franny and zooey he said "well, he won't be signing these anytime soon...and now i will be struck by lightning". i couldn't stop laughing then i said "NO!! not before i get my book signed!!". it was incredibly lovely meeting him, and gave me hugs. he is such a huggable person. also we shared our love of amanda's greatest song "the bed song". sigh.

sometimes i wish i was an author.


p.s. when i got back to my apartment, i realized i had my little sister's copy of the graveyard book in my bookcase. i felt horrible that i didn't get it signed for her. but c'est la vie.


"For Nicole-
Signed in absentia-
Neil Gaiman"


HUG.

he is busy signing my book, which is perfectly fine. i look good though, according to elise.

p.p.s. THE HAIR. it's even better in person.

androgyny.

sometimes i think i am soooooo stereotypically a guy, for reasons i don't feel like explaining.
and then sometimes i'm such a stereotypical girl i sicken myself.
i guess what i'm getting at is androgyny is awesome.

spam.

my posts have started to get spam comments on them. i don't know if that's supposed to symbolize what this blog has become but i hope not.

i've been in a weird place lately, but i am VERY AWARE that it is a weird place. my brain seems fuzzy all the time, and i don't know if it's just cos i'm sick. i'm hoping once i'm over it, the weird place will dissipate. i've always been working on trying to identify what i'm feeling and whether i want to pursue those feelings. whether it's worth it to be depressed, or angry. i think many of our feelings are very much voluntary. not necessarily when we start feeling them but for how long we continue to let them live within us and consume us. it's very easy to let depression consume you. around this time last year i remember the conscious decision to let my depression take over me because i didn't allow myself to feel for so long. it felt good to dive into those feelings and indulge in destruction. but not literal destruction.

go ask alice sparked that. that book will forever be associated with that time for me, and i am eternally grateful for opening up that gate that i was so terrified to open. those close to me saw it firsthand, they knew something was wrong. only one person actually knew exactly what was going on in my life and that's because she lived with me. i had to explain weird things to her, and she was very understanding and comforting and could empathize to some extent. i haven't let myself be depressed since then, i think. no longer than a day. i don't let myself. i don't know if that's why i'm in this weird place, if i'm flirting with that line again. i don't think i am, i don't find myself to have any reason to be.

it may be sickening and it's cliche, but i loved the writing that came out of my depression. everything i did or listened to or watched just felt so fucking real. it was raw. i allowed music to enter my soul, let words become embedded within me. i allowed it because i was already in a vulnerable state. music and writing move me to no end, but i've never been as deeply affected as i was during that time period. who killed amanda palmer will forever be the music associated with that time.

don't get me wrong, i would never. ever. wish those circumstances upon me again, or to anyone else for that matter. i'm not wishing for them to come back to allow me to be depressed, but it was nice to access those feelings. but i also like being happy so much.

now i'll stop before my vagueness becomes even more maddening for you, i'm sure.

sorry, self,

i'm only allotting you five minutes to cry. you have things to do.