i should write things.

i should do a lot of things.

remember the time?

i was like, i just made a tumblr. why did i do that?
i know why now:
act naturally
(hint: it involves pictures of zooey deschanel, jenny lewis, george harrison and robert downey jr.)

looking for john, omegle edition.

You: john green?!
Stranger: imagine
You: okay i will
Stranger: okay, cool.
You: sup, john?
Stranger: oh nothing much. you?!
You: nothing much either, just looking for you, but i found you. yay!
Stranger: yyayyaya.
Stranger: just kidding. im not john green.
Stranger: im miley cyrus.
Stranger: so yeah. im too cool for you, bye!
You: oh, miley.

You: john green?!
Stranger: r u a hot guy?
You: all the time
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey!
You: john green?!
Stranger: yes!
You: well how do i know this is actually john?
You: and not my cat?
Stranger: only john green would know that you have cat.
You: yes, because john green is omnipresent.
Stranger: you know it
Stranger: im not gunna lie. i have no idea what the fuck that means.
You: hahaha it means he's everywhere
You: and knows everything
Stranger: ohh. right....
Stranger: then yes. that is true
You: OKAY I'M GOING TO HOGWARTS NOW, BYE.

You: john green?!
Stranger: nope
Stranger: BATMAN
Stranger: sorry
You: darn
You: latez, batey

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi wanna have a gay orgy?
You: ALWAYS
You have disconnected.

Stranger: hey
You: john green?!
Stranger: YES!
You: I WISH!

You: john green?!
Stranger: Ryan Blue!?
You: touche.
Stranger: Indeed.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Terry Boot?
You: nope, sorry
Stranger: an abundance of katherines is a good book
You: i'm a hufflepuff
You: it really is
Stranger: holy shit!
Stranger: you got the reference
You: hpnerd4lyfe
Stranger: my life is now complete
You: hahah
Stranger: you, my friend, have just made my night :)
You: glad to be of service!

You: john green?!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: what's that mean??
Stranger: im korean
Stranger: haha
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: no?!
You: okay?!
You have disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: Dear Stranger, Your a wonderufl person on the inside and out and God loves you dearly. I hope you had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful week :)
You: why thank you.

You: john green?!
Stranger: No, this is Jon Greene
You: so close
Stranger: Yet so far
Stranger: Good luck
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: YES
Stranger: ADAM?!
You: NO?!
Stranger: WOW
You: WHEE
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: john green?!
Stranger: yes
You: cool.
Stranger: :D
You: :)
Stranger: :(
You: :/
Stranger: _|_
You: i don't know what that is, john.
Stranger: it's a penis _|_
You: oh, fun.
You have disconnected.

nerdfighting.

i met hank green today. he is one half of the vlogbrothers, and a person i literally owe a lot to. it was like meeting half of j.k. rowling in a way. not quite as much because i've only been nerdfighting for 2 years, but still pretty significant. i promised myself i wouldn't back out of really telling him what i wanted to, like i did when i talked to john three times. so i told him. i thanked him for everything and explained what project for awesome had done for me. how it was a horrible day. how my mom had just had surgery. halfway through i almost started crying, i was shaking, and he just held out his arms to hug me. he hugged me hard and kept me there for a few seconds and let me finish. i needed that. i really did.

anyways, it made me remember this comment i made on the p4a experience to a friend who interviewed me about it:

"That day was actually really special to me, and the whole community was really vital to my sanity that day. It was the day my mom was having her surgery. After I came home from seeing her at the hospital I went straight to my computer to get my mind off things and help the project, to find out they were just about to start commenting and addressing my video. John was leading it and they all comforted me with kind words and virtual hugs while I told them all about my trip to the hospital and the status of my mom. I had never been more overwhelmed with love and gratitude in my life by virtual strangers, but the love I felt from them was genuine."

Oh, Ross.

Yeah I just referenced an ongoing joke that you could only understand if you read my blog. I hope you do. You probably don't. I hardly blog anymore. The words haven't been coming so easily these days, but I haven't really been creating much of anything through any other medium. So when I see my neglected blog, I feel a bit of shame. My creative juices aren't so juicy. At pretty much every point in my life, I look back on prior writing and think "God, I use to be so funny" or "God, I was such a good writer". Maybe in a year I'll look back on this blog and think "God, I was so good at talking about the past". Oh, RENT, how you stir emotions in me and continue to narrate my life.

how can you leave the past behind
when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
it reaches way down deep
and tears you inside out
'til you're torn apart.

narcissism.

i am really obsessed with how i look today. like. if i was a guy or lez, i would TOTALLY DO ME. is that weird?

it hurts.

i need to get my life together. everything i do is just blah. what am i doing this for? who am i doing this for? i don't understand anything right now. i hope this is just a funk and not a permanent state of being.

thoughts.

during the first two weeks of this year, i had a long talk with two of my friends i needed to catch up with. we talked about boys, of course, since all of us had liked a boy the previous year and they hadn't worked out for one reason or another. i said that after a summer of virtually no to little contact, when you come back and see them you think either one of two things. 1: "what the fuck was i thinking?" or 2: "now i remember why i liked you, why aren't you in love with me?!" so when i returned this year, i had some indirect contact with the boy i'd been pining for and unfortunately felt the latter. i wanted to come back thinking i made a huge mistake, and not like him anymore.

this morning i decided to listen to "who killed amanda palmer" in its entirety, something i hadn't done since last year. there was notable change in the weather today. i broke out the hoodie and beanie and curled up on my couch with my laptop. i put on the headphones and started to listen. i was transported to a year ago, sitting in my dorm, listening in and breathing these songs. i wasn't properly accquainted with them yet. they were still new and different, waiting to be associated with memories and new places. now when i listen to it about a year later, i remember how lonely i was. i remember how much i wanted something, anything. and i realize that almost a year later my situation is virtually unchanged. i still pine for him. i'm still unbearably lonely. the day i realize this, i decide to leave the house and just clear my head. as i'm out he spots me. he spots me while his arm is around his girlfriend and just can't resist yelling my name to get my attention. i turn at the sudden call of my name and yell hey. but i don't probe further. i don't invite myself over to talk about our summers, where we live now, what we're doing. not today.

as i think about my loneliness, all i can think is "god, i love amanda palmer".

because i like to just steal from amanda.

this is so fucking beautiful.
and i want to direct it to shey:

“life will break you.
nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearnings.
you have to love.
you have to feel.
it is the reason you are here on earth.
you are here to risk your heart.
you are here to be swallowed up.
and when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt,
or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree
and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.
tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
- louise erdrich, the painted drum, p. 247

oh hi.

hi blogging. remember me? i certainly remember you. i don't know if i want to get involved with you again. maybe we're better on this mutual break. we're the ross and rachel of the internet world, you and i. maybe i'll have your baby one day, but for now we'll just see where this goes.

i don't want to bug.

sometimes i feel like the friend who you hang out with when your first choice bails/is busy. i only feel like that towards one person right now and it drives me CRAZY. I GET UPSET AND WEIRD SO I PUSH MYSELF ON THEM EVEN MORE WHICH WILL THUS MAKE HIM/HER NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME EVEN MORE.

sigh.

i just died a little.

dreeeeeeeeeeams.

i had a dream last night, that i moved into an apartment for school.
but i moved in with anabel, a guy i had never met and a bitchy girl i had never met.
the guy was totally into me but nothing happened for the one day (?) i was there.
then i went home for the weekend and one of my friends who is a girl confessed her feelings for me. um. what?
and then the guy showed up at my house to hang out.
and thus my dream ended.

oh! oh!
i also had another dream the other night that i was getting married.
i was getting married in a half hour at disneyland but i was still getting ready at my house.
i don't really remember putting on a white dress or anything like that.
anyway i don't remember the guy i was going to marry except that he was a black guy.
seriously, that's all i remember.
the problem was i kept talking about how i shouldn't go through with it because i'm still in love with taylor (lautner). hahaha, oh dreams. you slay me.

my dreams have become entertaining, like watching and living television while i'm asleep.

not a gum-approved blog.

whenever someone asks me "so what have you been doing this summer?"

i want to say "jacking off" with a deadpan stare.

but that's not very appropriate now, is it?

a blog about blogging.

right. so. a blog.

this is going to be a pretty long one, gathering what i can from what my brain wants me to write. so unless you feel a personal interest in my livelihood or want some back story on me because i'm going to be a character in your book, you shouldn't feel like this is a mandatory blog (oh wait, liz IS making me a character in her book, this one's for you liz).

see, the problem with me is that when i get passionate about something or get the inspiration to write about something, i get it in the most inconvenient places. over the course of a few weeks i've compiled a short list in my brain of things i want to write or talk about. i'm sure i've forgotten some of them, my brain isn't the best over the course of a few weeks. i tend to get inspiration in restaurants, the shower, or while listening to amanda palmer in a car. these are all things where i'm not in the position to drop whatever i'm doing and run to the computer or a piece of paper. even as i finally sit down to write this blog, i wrote out most of it in my brain in the shower. however, the trek between the shower and the computer becomes a race of brain and body to get to the computer and write this all down before i forget. before i forget the perfectly formed sentences in my head that convey everything i'm feeling. in between the shower and writing this, i stood half-naked in my room searching for a shirt. frantically, i searched. the more frantic i am, the less likely something will happen quickly. i wanted to get here. i wanted to write this. then i get to my computer. and it decides to shut off. twice. it also decides to run a disk check and turn my stomach into knots. then about five sentences ago, my grandpa pounds furiously on the door, breaking my rhythm only to say good night. but i'm not mad at him, i love that he says good night. but it becomes maddening. it becomes maddening to know that every second someone or something is stealing my thoughts and my words while i try to fill in the rest of my life. while i do mundane things like putting on a shirt. i'm sure i wrote more in my head while i was in the shower, but in this mad dash i'm sure i've lost a good 30% in the rush to get here. and while all i wanted to do was write about harry potter, amanda fucking palmer, the internet, or my friends, this quickly became a blog about writing a blog.

determinedly yours,
nicole

things i need to blog about:

don't mind me, this is just a reminder.

1. what the internet means to me.
2. afp vs. lady gaga
3. the song "good day"
4. harry potter and my anger management

this is a burgeoning list.

a concert in a blog.

it's 6 a.m. i haven't slept. so i'm blogging.

every once in a while i feel compelled to write about the experience that was the jenny owen youngs/amanda palmer show at the troubadour. but then i realize i could never put into words what an amazing experience it was. i get discouraged from trying, because this event is one of those things that i let myself fully enjoy. i made the conscious decision to not take any pictures, video, or anything like that. i was there, physically and mentally. i wasn't living the concert through another medium. i was there, in every sense of the world. it felt nice. it was like one of those times you decide you're gonna live life instead of talking about it or capturing it through film (which is what most of my life is dedicated to).

just some highlights, not a play by play:

jenny's new song "clean break", which is inspired by one of my favourite dresden dolls songs "sex changes".

jenny and amanda sang my favourite jenny song "fuck was i" together.

the two amazing people also covered a true american classic entitled "complicated" complete with "your mom" jokes.

i love shores of california, but "missed me" has been stuck in my head ever since the concert.

and lastly, a billie jean cover that brought me to tears and sent chills down my spine.

trust me, it would be wise to watch the entire concert since this person taped it. it was brilliant. you can hear amanda read one of the stories from her book "who killed amanda palmer?" that her boyfriend neil gaiman wrote.

other mentionable moments:
-talking to a very drunk jenny owen youngs about how intense ucsb is and how we took back the night.
-meeting weird al. (OH YEAH!)
-giving beth much deserved sugar cookies and hugs and receiving a kiss.
-learning that very hungry neil gaiman, amanda palmer, and beth loved my cookies.

life is good.

how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.

so before i get to how thursday night was quite possibly one of the best experiences of my life, let me talk about how i got to be there and you know, how amazing beth hommel is.

around 8 months ago i wrote a blog about how beth's outlook on life and writing in her blog made me come to some realizations of my own. i adored this woman from afar, about how she could turn the worst situations in beautiful words and watched as she navigated through a new part of her life. i do this with a few bloggers. i read all their work and adore them and know much about their life, but i always forget to comment, or think i have nothing of substance to contribute to their lives/comment sections. however, after months of reading her blog i felt like i knew her, or at least the part of her life she allowed her blog readers to enter and comment on. i slightly envied her for the seemingly quick transition into the circus world known as the punk cabaret/amanda fucking palmer/dresden dolls world. anyways, when she joined twitter along with amanda, i somehow felt that i knew her enough to follow her and that she was well known enough in the community to not care that i was following her (i found the idea of "following" her, when i don't know her and she isn't technically famous, somewhat creepy).

anyways, i'll cut to this week. on monday i found out that my friend from college still wanted to go to the amanda show with me on thursday, so i had a ride. i was excited and thought in my mind, okay i'll buy the tickets tomorrow and we'll go. so i decided to be creepy and tell beth, who i found out was going to be merch girl, that i wanted to bring her something. i felt like i knew her, she knows how loving this community is, and this was my first time meeting her. she let me know that i didn't need to bring her anything but that she doesn't refuse sugar cookies. soon after i left to the store to buy two rolls of sugar cookie dough. i came back and talked to my other friend (the one i went to the ninja beach gathering with) and asked her if she was going to the show on thursday. she didn't know about it and looked up tickets and soon informed me they were sold out. i quickly freaked out and became sad. i then informed beth that i had planned to buy my tickets that night but they were sold out and i had already bought her cookie dough and that i was sorry. she quickly pm'ed and told me she could get me into the show and to e-mail. we e-mailed and she put me on the list for the troubadour. all because a stranger with love wanted to give her sugar cookies and hugs. all because in this island of "misfit toys" as she lovingly refers to us, we are generous, accepting, and beautiful. and that's how sugar cookies and a lovely girl made my year.
perhaps tomorrow i shall blog about the actual show that made my life.

loooooooove.

i had a fucking phenomenal night that i will blog about tomorrow.
in the mean time i will leave you with this crappy quality video that helps sum up my night:

i hung out with amanda palmer today.

a few days ago amanda announced on her twitter that she would be having a ninja party on the beach today. i, of course, leaped at the chance and found out my friend was planning to go too. her mom wanted to drive us though, but it was cool because her mom is, um, AMAZING.

so the plan for the beach party was to hang, some uke music, and a photo shoot. we were asked to come dressed in black and bring bright flowers. unfortunately my friend and i couldn't get there till 6 when it started at 4, but we got there just in time for the hour long photo shoot. i played dead and god, i hurt the crap out of my knee in my awkward position. little did i know amanda would end up lying next to me, and you know, end up naked for part of the shoot.

she's as amazing as you would think she would be. she radiates love, empowerment, and so many other things that just combine to make a lovely person.

so we did a photo shoot for an hour, while my friend's mom blew bubbles all over our dead bodies and naked amanda for the photos. then she signed things, hugged people, got kisses, and loved everyone. hopefully i'll post the pictures when they're released. also, if things work out right i will be blogging soon about how fucking awesome beth, her assistant, is.

Because Seth and Gum freakin' rock...

if you wish to contribute to "Nicole really wants to go to Dallas" fund and charity (I am like a sick kid), you can go to Paypal and pay to beatlesgroupiekn@sbcglobal.net

Only if you want.
And only if you love me.
And don't like seeing me cry.

I don't even know.

This is so depressing. Unless someone reading this wants to loan me some money, and the only people who reads this are Shey, Erin, and Jake sometimes, I don't think I can go to Dallas this summer. I really wish some millionaire would stumble across my blog and just you know, give me some money. Seriously I wanna cry right now. I'm just depressed, I'm kinda sinking into myself.

Jake wins.

I know I was super close but I gave up. Hahaha.

Dear rain,

COME BACK. COME BAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Love,
Nicole

And before you swim you gotta be okay to sink...

I love Incubus, just putting that out there.

They released two songs titled Earth to Bella (1 & 2) about a month before my goddaughter Bella was born. I hope I can play her these songs one day and she'll find them as beautiful and meaningful to her as I feel they are to me.

I love my home.

I don't wanna leave in like a week. Please don't make me. :(

I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know.

I just watched The Royal Tenenbaums with my friend Rachel who had never seen it before. It's so nice watching your second favourite movie with someone who's never seen it before. It's like seeing it through someone else's eyes. Especially when you know they are the kind of person who could appreciate the movie. I just fell in love with it all over again and remembered why it's so amazing.<3

Marry meeee.

Andy Samberg makes my life.
New Moon looks beyond amazing.
So good.

I want Jasper to jump at/try to eat me.

Fun times.

I watched Sweeney Todd and Arrested Development last night with some fun people until 4 in the morning. Sometimes I love my life more than usual.<3

So delicious.

Freebirds nachos and The West Wing after a night of partying? Hell yes.

I'm not ready to move out in two weeks.

I wanna stay here. Can I just stay here?

Mmmmnap.

I took a nap today, and by nap I mean a four hour sleep. Which is a nap to me. While I was napping I had a dream that I recounted to my friends as soon as I awoke. I dreamt I had a kid. I had a kid that was 5 months old, but in the dream I didn't remember I had had a kid. It was so weird. It was a girl, I picked her up and thought she was beautiful but I put her down and just thought "But I don't want a fucking kid" and kinda wondered why I didn't have an abortion. It was so fucking weird. I didn't even know the kid's name, but it was mine. While it's true that if I somehow became the Virgin Mary I wouldn't want a kid, I wouldn't abort it. I seemed so adamant in my dream on wondering why my past self didn't do it. I DIDN'T REMEMBER HAVING A KID. It was weird, which prompted my friend Rachel to look it up on a dream website she likes and came up with this:

If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; You do not want to let others know of your weaknesses.

I don't know what to make of it.

I can't wait for summer reading...

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging-Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird-Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne
17. Devilish-Maureen Johnson
18. Me Talk Pretty One Day-David Sedaris
19. On the Bright Side I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God-Louise Rennison
20. The Nanny Diaries-Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

I hate this.

Dear California,
Way to let me down. This is the second time I've been deeply ashamed to call myself a Californian in the past year.
Ashamed,
Nicole

I'm home from San Fran,

AND READY TO REPEAL PROP 8 TOMORROW, HELL YEAH.

I went to ripley's believe it or not today. you know what? I believe it.

on my way to San fran. do did do. I'm doing this on my iphone. do do do.

Is it the weekend yet?

I'm going to San Fran this weekend, I'm really excited. Also, pulling all-nighters leave me um, delusional. Far too much.

I HATE SCHOOL.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT KILL ME.

This needed to be cross-posted.

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.

Love,

Nicole

Why?

I just created a tumblr. I honestly don't know why I did either.

Shit.

This weekend has been so exhausting. And now I have to write two papers adding up to 16 pages, one homework assignment, and a short prompt about 300 words? Kill me now.

I love SNL.

We're watching the shorts right now. OH GOD, SO FUNNY.

Oh dear God.

I just finished Relay and I'm EXHAUSTED. Too bad I can't sleep and I'm going to brunch and then Extravaganza to see Cold War Kids and Girltalk yeeeeeeeeeah!

I'm doing Relay for Life later today!

Plz to be donating monies?
(Unless you're Shey, who is just awesome.)

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/nicoleface

Thursdays.

Yesterday I thought it was Thursday. In my mind Thursday=The Office. You can imagine I was thoroughly upset to realize it was only Wednesday.

BUT GUESS WHAT?
THIS STORY HAS A TWIST AND A HAPPY ENDING.

TODAY IS THURSDAY YAAAAAAY.

The dream story.

About a week or two ago I was having a conversation with two of my friends where one of them was telling me about a dream they had. As she was telling me about her dream I realized that whenever these girls tell me about the dreams they have, they are, dare I say it, happy dreams. They are dreams where the girls get everything they've been wanting lately. Started crushing on a boy lately? Hook up with him in a dream. Been wanting to go to Disneyland? Ride Space Mountain in your dreams.

So I interrupted this dream telling and said "WAIT. Do you guys have dreams where you get EVERYTHING you want?" I asked this very incredulously. I had never heard of people having dreams where they get everything they want, or if I did I chose to ignore them because it saddens me. Then they answered "Well, yeah." I was kinda surprised. I mean, I thought that's what daydreams are for. You have control over those. I always get what I want in daydreams, but in real dreams? Never. I told them "You don't have dreams where you kinda get what you want, but it's half-assed and something always screws it up?" And they're like "Uh...no." I thought it over to myself and I was like, is it just me? Am I that screwed up? So I said out loud, not thinking, "Oh, it's probably cos I'm self-destructive. I even fuck up my dreams." They kinda laughed at me at my semi-serious remark. I don't think they really understood what I meant. I think they associate self-destruction with space movies. Like, when you press the wrong button on a space craft and a soothing female voice tells you "Spacecraft will self destruct in 5...4..." (Seriously, why would you have that button?!)

The truth is, I had never had a dream where I got what I want. I remember when I was severely obsessed with Edward Cullen I finally had a dream about him months later and all I got to do was watch him make out with Bella. Even my dream self was like "REALLY? It's MY dream and I have to watch him make out with BELLA?!" It was actually pretty sad.

So last Friday I was at home listening to Death Cab at 2 in the morning. Let's just say that listening to Death Cab alone in the dead of night isn't the most motivating thing to do. I somewhat fell into a slump and might have cried a little. (I mean, have you seen the animated video for "Grapevine Fires"?! It's DEPRESSING) So I went to sleep and...I dreamt that I got what I wanted. I got it and I kept quiet the entire time because even dream self knew that if I talked I would fuck it up. (Dream self took a note from real self. DON'T BE SELF DESTRUCTIVE IN DREAMS) I got what I wanted and it was sweet. Also, it was PG. I know where your pervy minds are going.

Then I realized why I should be self destructive in dreams. It hurt too much when I woke up.

Yay vacation!

I am going to San Francisco for Memorial Day Weekend.
What?
Yay!
I chose San Fran over Vegas even though I've been having cravings for Vegas like a crackhead.

Wheeeeeeee!

I got an A on my Feminist Studies midterm!! Yaaaaaaaay!

Happy Mother's Day!

I wish I could spend more time with my mom today. But I have to go back to SB and the fire. Wah.

Reminder to self:

Blog later about the dream I had last night.

I want to evacuate.

NOW.

There's smoke coming in through my windows and hurting my eyes.
There's ash floating everywhere outside.
The moon is red.

This is all wrong.

Life is good.

I'm eating a Freebirds burrito. FUCK YEAH.

Um.

The fire is huge. I thought there were huge clouds over the ocean when I looked out my window. That's the fire.


Shit.

Burritooooooooo.

I really want a burrito.
Somebody make that happen.

Oh and happy fake holiday where we supposedly got our independence from Spain. Cheers. We all know this is so Americans (aka UCSB) can get drunk in our honour.

I feel summer creeping up on me.

You know how I know?

I've been playing my Wii far too much for the past two days.
Oh Animal Crossing and Super Mario 64, you will kill me this quarter.

Exhibit A

I had a dream last night that I had a boyfriend. I can't recall his face but I don't think he was terribly good looking.

Anyways, in the dream he told me he loved me and all I could say was, get this,

"Really?"

Hahahaha, oh dream self. You're almost as bad as real self.

The moral of the story is, I'm gonna die alone.

It's already May?!

When did that happen?!

That's pretty ridiculous. I can't believe I move out in a little over a month. GAH. That's just, wow.

I need to read more.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging-Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird-Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne
17. Devilish-Maureen Johnson
18. Me Talk Pretty One Day-David Sedaris
19. On the Bright Side I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God-Louise Rennison

Sleeeeeepy.

I need sleep.

Why is everything amazing?

I get to see Rufus Wainwright later today. I don't know how I got to be so fucking lucky. Oh and did I mention I get to see him after going to Disneyland? Yeah.

I just saw Death Cab and HOLY SHIT I was in the very front right in front of Ben and just about died. It was so fucking good and that man is on speed. I'm just glad he didn't play my song or I would have bawled like a baby. (Note: I cried anyways.)

Music makes my life.

Oh and Jake should check out Ra Ra Riot cos they have a hot cello girl. Like, I text Erin and told her I had a girl crush and that I think we're married.

Yeayuhhh.

People are making me feel bad. I don't like that. I feel weird. Whatever, I'm seeing Death Cab tomorrow/later today. SUCK IT.

Oh, birthdays.

It's one of my best friends, Martiza's, birthday today and it's also my mommy's!!! Yay for awesome people being born on the same day!!! Gah, I miss my mom so much right now.

Kayaking.

I went kayaking today and fell over. Some of my scratches make a happy face, wtf!

Oyyyy

I woke up at 4 p.m. this day. That's an indication of my night last night.

DONE.

Today/yesterday was a horrible day. It was so stressful I made myself physically nauseous and almost threw up. But now I've celebrated the end of that day the SB way and in unrelated news Maureen Johnson is going to trapeze school yaaaaaaaaaaay.

AFP.

I know a lot of people have been ragging on her cover of this song but I think it's so fucking beautiful I almost cried when I first listened to it. It is now on repeat while I write a paper about gender bending. Fucking gorgeous.

I wanna be outsideeeeeee.

I have a lot to do today.

Shit.

Infected.

There is an infectious enthusiasm on campus today and I love it. I think it has to do with the shift into a HEAT WAVE. Everyone's out and about, socializing and showing off their skinny ass legs in short shorts or bathing suits. People are going to the beach in droves and just generally having fun outside. On-campus elections are also underway as well as the announcement of who's playing Extravaganza. It's Ludacris, Rebolution, Girl Talk, Cold War Kids, and some DJ. I don't care about the first two but when I head Girl Talk and Cold War Kids I nearly pissed my pants and yelped out loud. (I was in class so this would have been a bad idea.) I'm so upbeat that the prospect of midterms and papers looming near seems almost manageable.

Oh dear, 4/20.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne
17. Devilish-Maureen Johnson
18. Me Talk Pretty One Day-David Sedaris

David Sedaris.

So while Jake has been fawning over Jenny Owen Youngs (he never stood a chance stacked against Pocahontas/Missy Elliot covers), I've been reading Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. A 50-minute delayed train followed by 3 hours of traveling home allowed me to make a sizable dent in the book and I'm madly in love with it. While it's an amazing narrative he usually has snide remarks or opinions that resemble a good blogger's best day. I'm pretty sure he himself would resent that remark and while I know that he's far and beyond blogging, it just strikes that tone to me sometimes. His wit makes me quite literally, laugh out loud, and his poignant moments shine brilliantly. Oh look at me, trying to review a book. Basically, this guy is the shit and I wasn't expecting it which makes him all the better, even when I disagree with some of his strongly held opinions.

New people.

I met Jenny Owen Youngs about two nights ago and can I just say that she's destined to be my best friend?
She's incredibly sarcastic and witty and we pretty much got along great.
I also met Dhani Harrison extremely briefly but you know, I think we're married now.

Oh and if you don't know who Jenny Owen Youngs is, you should:


She's deliciously witty:

Yay Boy Meets World!

We're watching the Halloween Boy Meets World episode on Youtube. I love my life.

So glad to be reading again.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne
17. Devilish-Maureen Johnson

I hate boys!!

I hate boys.
Dear boy #2,
Thanks for waiting till I was in a funk to ask me advice about your sort of girlfriend. Seriously, thanks.
Lots of motherfucking love,
Nicoleface

I wanna go back to jumpin' puddles.

Makin' progress!

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski
16. Youth in Revolt-C.D. Payne

Chaos and creation.

I've really been in the mood to write lately. Like, I wish I had things of substance to write about in this blog. That would be great.

Remember the Liz I would gush about? She makes me want to write. Great writing does that to me. It makes me want to write and be amazing and hope I transfer some sort of emotion to someone through my writing. The thing is I've never been one for writing short stories or novels or fiction. I tend to write satires or analysis of another person's writing.

I wish.

Let's start reading again.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
15. The Last Time I Wore A Dress: A Memoir-Daphne Scholinski

Gushing about Liz.

I've been having this ongoing discussion with my friend Liz for the past month or so on just random topics. It mostly deals with writing and just life ideas and I don't know, it's just one of the best discussions I've ever had in my life. She's such a beautiful person. Do you remember when I said I wanted to find someone who would understand what I meant when I said life is beautiful? I found her. I found her and she's fantastic and an amazing writer and is just inspiring. So basically this blog post is for me to gush about what an amazing friend I have.<3

Delish.

I think I'm getting better. I just ate some Freebirds burrito. Delicious.

Sickly sick.

I'm slowly recovering. The operative word here being SLOWLY. I have this problem where when I cough my entire head goes away and I start falling over. I feel like I am perpetually drunk or on drugs.

Fuck being sick.

Remember the time I didn't go to class today either?
Yeah, I'm wondering when I'm gonna start feeling better...

Sickness.

I'm feeling a bit better. I scored some drugs up in this place so I could sleep all night for once. Hahah, oh and I didn't go to class today. Fun times.

Damn.

I have:
a fever
a sore throat
a headache
and a newly developed earache.

WTF, LIFE?

Oh, mistakes.

I made the biggest mistake of going out last night even though I was already sick. You don't even understand how shitty I feel right now.

I'm so brilliant.

Going out on a Thursday night and somehow crawling into my bed at 3:30 a.m. Oh yeah, that was smart of me.

It's Thursday.

I like Thursdays. I usually make videos on Thursdays. I wonder what happened to that.

I love trashy television.

Ahhh, I really wish I had my computer back. It's so frustrating not having one.

To Erin, I'm in a blog challenge if you haven't noticed. I have to blog every day for um, I don't know. I don't know even know when this dang thing is over. But you get one freebie, or mulligan, and can miss a day of posting. Mine was on Monday, now I really have to watch it.

I'm getting ready to go out for Danielle's (my friend's) birthday, yay!

An equation.

A terribly horrible day+No Computer= Use of my mulligan.

Oh, 19.

It's my birthday and it's been fabulous. Also, I have the best friends:

I almost missed that.

It's my 19th birthday in 3 minutes. That is all.

Burfday.

Birthday festivities begin today. Yay! I also get to see Gum tomorrow! DOUBLE YAY.

Thank gosh.

I went to visit my old high school today and it was just weird. I was walking through there and the whole time I was thinking THANK GOD I DON'T GO HERE ANYMORE. Tomorrow begins birthday festivities. Yay!

It's so hot.

It's about 80 degrees outside. What. the. fuck. Brb, taking a bath in ice.

I am computerless.

I took my computer to Best Buy cos it won't charge anymore and therefore died and they have to send it in to see what's wrong with it. :( My mom dropped boatloads so that they can back up all my memory so I don't lose everything but just, GAH. I hate not having my computer and pictures and music and love and ergh.

Boring.

Home is so boring. All I have is Gum on Skype. Thank God she'll be here in a couple days.

Thank God for Almost Famous.

I'm home and well, to be honest, it's boring. I wanna go back to SB. Ughhh.

Spring Break, whoo!

I'm home and happy and full of food. I had such a fucking fantastic time yesterday with Lauren and Matt and Andrew and everyone else before, during, and after the podcast/release party. I have too much love in my life. I'm so lucky.

WINTER QUARTER CAN SUCK MAH DICK.

I'm done with winter quarter, that was horrible. Now onto packing so I can go home for winter break and have FTW adventures today.

I hate finals.

I'm supposed to be studying for Comm, instead I'm watching Anchorman. Finals is frying my brain.

Liz is brilliant.

"i pretty much have 1 constant that transfers to a lot of different mediums: i do not live in reality.

i like this.

i like us."

My photographs.

The words aren't coming so easily these days.

Can I just live in a box?

I didn't get campus housing apartments so now I have to go apartment hunting. FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Beach.

I went to the beach today and I'm exhausted.

Just friends.

I am thoroughly enjoying being friends with boy #1 right now. Now that he has a girlfriend/something type I feel a lot more at ease with him. I've stopped trying to impress and now I'm just being myself and he responds well to that. He's a good friend, not such a good prospective boyfriend.

Today I went to get some rolls of film developed that I've been holding onto and I think there are some fantastic pictures in there. I'll post some soon I hope.

Lovely.

I saw Rachel Getting Married last night and it was fucking fantastic. It was just, ugh. Beautiful. Beautiful and harsh and lovely and horrible.

Now I'm watching the Jon Stewart/Jim Cramer interview finally and oh shit.

Gah, I love The Book Thief.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson
14. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak

Oh finals.

I have a final tomorrow. FML. Actually, this study group is fun.

Whoa shit.

Today has been so stressful. So stressful in fact that I almost forgot to post a blog. Awesome.

Oyy.

Oh gosh this contest is getting tiresome. BUT I REFUSE TO LOSE.

In every form.

Sometimes I feel so much love in my heart that it swells till it feels like it's going to explode and God, do I feel lucky.

Loveeee.

I saw RENT last night and it was fantastic and I cried a lot and I love Shelana and now I'm going to dinner with my entire family whom I miss far too much. So much love.<3

Fridayyyyyyyyyy.

IT'S FRIDAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I'M SO EFFING EXCITED!!

Dear tomorrow,

could you come a bit sooner? PLZKTHXBAI.

FRIDAY!!!

I get to see RENT this Friday with Shey. I'm so flipping excited. I'm going to jump Adam Pascal and Shey's going to jump Anthony Rapp and we're just gonna take them with us.

Book Thief.

I'm re-reading The Book Thief and ugh, it's just such beautiful storytelling and one of the most amazing stories I've ever read.

I have problems.

Oh hey, remember that time it was easier to flirt around with a boy after he got a girlfriend/hook-up/whatever she is? Yeah, I'm a homewrecking slut.

Too overwhelming.

I just wanna curl up and cry and be dramatic and read Harry Potter who will never leave me and always love me. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to drink, then I wouldn't have overreacted so much. I've seen this coming forever. Why am I such an emotional mess? I hate boys, I hate this whole business. This is why I avoided it for 18 years cos they flirt with you and then cuddle your friend when they're sitting right next to you.

Yay list.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins
13. Suite Scarlett-Maureen Johnson

F.M.L.

FML. FML. FML. I want #2, #1 breaks my heart right in front of me.

Someone shoot me.

I hate that my general train of thought is revolving around guys lately. It's shit. That's not who I am.

Boys.

#1 flirted with my friend. #2 makes me forget to breathe. I'm done with boys, they are hazardous to my health.

Suiteeeee.

I'm reading Suite Scarlett and I'm liking it a lot. It's too soon to tell but it may be my favourite Maureen Johnson book. Also I should start paying attention in class instead of fantasizing about how I can become president of the whore club. Sigh.

I need to catch up on reading.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson
12. Glass-Ellen Hopkins

BFF.

I'm working on my game plan to make Rufus Wainwright be my bff. Any ideas?

YES.

I'm staying at my sister's tonight. OH AND WE JUST BOUGHT TICKETS TO SEE RUFUS WAINWRIGHT IN APRIL, EXCUSE ME WHILE I PISS MY PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT.

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on with my life anymore.

WHAT.

My sister just told me about a monkey taking off a woman's face. WHAT. OMG BRB CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP.

My eyes hurt.

Yesterday was a pretty crappy day, but things got better around midnight. I'm hoping today will be far better than yesterday. I'm also hoping I get to see two boys today. Mmmmm....

Surreal.

Yesterday I met a man who lived the life I've always dreamt of living. It was surreal. I called my mom later and told her about it and she was encouraging of pursuing something I've always held underneath the surface and just pined after. I'll tell you details later.

FML.

I just got home. We were on the road for like 10 hours. FML.

Please explain.

So I'm still in Phoenix and it's AWESOME of course. I'm with some of my favourite people. But I need to pose a question to Shey or anyone else who has read The Sound and the Fury. I tried to start reading it yesterday and I made it to page 15 and finally said WHAT. THE. FUCK. I have no clue what's going on. I don't know if it's just me, but I need somebody who has read and understand it to kinda walk me through it a bit. That somebody is probably Shey but if anyone else has read it and understands, let me know.

Oh mandatory-ness.

I'm at Rachul's place in Phoenix, yay!

Cuddlefest '09

Oh hi, I'm going to Arizona in like an hour. Shhh.

Darn challenge.

Oh hi, cutting it close.

Reading distracts me, yay!

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
11. The Key to the Golden Firebird by Maureen Johnson

New crush.

Fuck. my. life.

Midterms.

My last midterm in about a half hour. I'm so not ready for this.

Is that too much to ask?

It's raining and I want a boy to cuddle.

I love updates.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson
10. Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison

Porcelain kisses.

I hate crushes. I haven't seen him today and I feel antsy. ARGH.
I was also thinking about how he shouldn't want or like me. I'm so fucked up, especially at the moment. Alaska always seems to say it better than I can say it myself:
"You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don't love the crazy, sullen bitch."

Oh boys.

We were texting till 2 in the morning. I think it was cute and maybe somewhat flirtatious but I really think he's clueless and doesn't think it was flirting at all. Sigh.

P4A

The other day one of my best friends (Gum) interviewed me about my participation in the Project for Awesome. I realized I hadn't really wrote about it, and this is one of my favourite quotes I said that really summed up the day for me:

"That day was actually really special to me, and the whole community was really vital to my sanity that day. It was the day my mom was having her surgery. After I came home from seeing her at the hospital I went straight to my computer to get my mind off things and help the project, to find out they were just about to start commenting and addressing my video. John was leading it and they all comforted me with kind words and virtual hugs while I told them all about my trip to the hospital and the status of my mom. I had never been more overwhelmed with love and gratitude in my life by virtual strangers, but the love I felt from them was genuine."

Oh rain.

I want it to rain all the time. All the time rain.

PWNED.

I pwned my midterms today.
That is all.

Why hi there.

I'm leaving at 4:30 to go apartment hunting. I have a Sociology section at 7. I have a Sociology review from 8-10. I then plan to study until my eyes burn for my two midterms tomorrow. Sigh. Although tomorrow is The Office and movie night! Yay!


i make the most attractive faces.

doing the nicole smirkface.

mmm, i should get a life.

The list.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins
9. The Bermudez Triangle-Maureen Johnson

Papers make me insane.

A documentation of my demise into madness.

please don't make me do this.

i don't want to write this paper, i just want to read the bermudez triangle.

oh how did i get over here?

i've got an idea!

run!

run and jump!

what am i doing on top of a table?!

i think i've gone mad.

ugh now i've got to go back to writing.

King of Carrot Flowers

Neutral Milk Hotel never seems more poignant than at three in the morning.

XOXO.

I've been a bit disconnected with the internet lately. It's weird. It's different. It's nice. I think it'd be nicer if I could find a balance between being on the internet 24/7 and avoiding it altogether. I don't think I'm good at compromise when it comes to the internet. It's like a drug, when I start using, I can't stop. So if I cut it off for a while, once I start again it's a much needed hit of internet.

Gossip Girl is on and I don't know why that is so freaking exciting.

Photo update that really makes no sense:



Slowly eating my hair.

More than on track...

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld
8. Crank-Ellen Hopkins

I didn't fuck it up!

Yay! At least, I don't think I fucked it up. There was hugging at the end, that's a good sign right?

My mommyyy.

I talked to my mom and they gave her the first bag but couldn't find her veins after. They can never find her veins and just UGH. I HATE INCOMPETENCE. They always do this to my mom. Right before her surgery they took blood and she still has the bruise cos they couldn't find her vein. So she goes back on Monday to try again, ugh.

Win.

I don't feel the need to write on my hands. The shirt says it all.

Legalize Gay Repeal Prop 8 Now
Shelana gives the best presents.

Errr.

My mum was suppose to start chemo today and I was extremely upset that I couldn't go, but she text me earlier saying they didn't give her chemo today and she'd call me later to tell me why. I'm scared, I hope it's nothing even worse.

Sometimes the world is not enough.

Can I stop being cheesy and sentimental now? I'm sick of this shit, it was never me. I'm not into that.

In other news tomorrow is gonna be shit, oh man.

To my past.

I don't wanna go to class.

It took me a week to finish another book. That is unacceptable.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky
7. Extras-Scott Westerfeld

Readinggg.

I think the whole not reading thing has made me less of a blogger. Reading compels me to write. It stirs ideas and words in me. I'm reading again.

This is getting out of hand.

I need to start reading again. NOW.

Happy Saturdayyy (I know it's Sunday)

Once my friend leaves tomorrow I think I can get back into reading and blogging a lot more properly. Yay.

Pictureeee.

The daily picture will be late tonight, but it will be here. I promise.

So much fun.

I just spent all day with my friends Lauren and Nicole and we just had a BLAST. We did a fake audition video for Lauren for the New Moon movie and we just had so many bloopers. This is how it went...

That's alright Mama, that's alright with me.

there's beauty in the breakdown.
-Frou Frou "Let Go"

Rain, rain, never go away.

The rain is having the opposite affect on me than what it's supposed to. Isn't the rain supposed to be depressing and make me moody? It's making me quite happy and I haven't been this lively in about two weeks. Yay!

Whoosh.

I'm reading Extras and it's raining and my friend is here and all is right with the world. I don't know, it just feels right.


Happiness is a warm gun.
-The Beatles "Happiness is a Warm Gun"

Whoa, shit.

Until this very moment I forgot I have to make a video today. Oy vey. I just wanted to curl up on my bed and read in this delightful rain. I guess I'll have to make a video first.

I can do The Frug.

i cannot fall in love.
-Rilo Kiley "The Frug"

Burn.

I finally saw Burn After Reading last night and I thought it was effing hilarious. So hilarious in fact that I needed to get a Burn After Reading flashdrive.


(I won it for free if you're wondering. I didn't actually spend money on it. The movie was free too so I didn't spend money on anything! Yay!)

Last night at 12 my friend Aaron text me to go to the formal lounge, so I went and I got hooked into helping advertise for a meeting we're having tonight at 7. I'm actually extremely glad he asked me to go because it was an amazing experience. We went all over the building covering windows and mirrors and doors with newspapers and advertising the meeting by writing on it. While in the formal lounge they were working on their own special thing. The program is called Target and it's about stopping hate within the residence halls, so in the formal lounge we basically sat there and thought up the most offensive words you could call people and we put them up all over the place. It's funny that some of these words are my favourite to say (cunt, bitch, fuck) and I've also been called about half of them (whore, slut, bitch, puta). It was a bit surreal to see all those words together, because when you see them all together you think, they're just words. It's like when you repeat a word over and over again and it loses all meaning. But then you realize all the hate and shit that comes with each word and realize they are so powerful.


cunt

trash



mudblood




i am a target.

Commitment.

I went to Borders today with Nicole (no, not myself, my friend Nicole) and I bought The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson and Crank by I don't know, some person. They're really popular at the moment apparently. I want to make a list later of books I need and/or want so leave suggestions in the comments because I've actually been buying lots of books so I might buy the one you suggest, yay!


i keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
-Johnny Cash "Walk the Line"

I love reading.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson
6. The Perks of Being A Wallflower-Stephen Chbosky

Booooks.

I love the books I've been reading, Perks and Alice are already in my favourites. Love.

Because I know Gum enjoys these so much...

come together
-The Beatles "Come Together"

Please.

I'm so confused about life, but it's a good confused. I feel like I'm suppose to be confused but I'm also sad because I think it's a confusion not a lot of people understand, or at least not a lot of the people I am surrounded by understand. I want to be able to talk to someone about what they want out of life beyond asking "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Do people still ask that question? I've always found it ridiculous and answered much to their chagrin "Me". I want to tell someone "Life is beautiful" and discuss with me why it is, or at least not laugh in my face. I feel like no one around me is grasping the complexities of life, or at least won't talk about it. Maybe people do, but they don't talk about it because apparently being lost and confused is a bad thing. I wish they wouldn't. I wish they would talk to me. I wish we could be lost together. Please be lost with me.

You're gonna carry that weight.

I just went to brush my teeth, and as I cupped water in my hands to wash out my mouth, the quote on my hands "the love you take is equal to the love you make" started washing away a bit from my hands. I washed out my mouth with love. I don't know why that's beautiful but I think it is.

In the end...

I am knee-deep in The Perks of Being A Wallflower and it's as fantastic as everyone's always said. Normally I HATE references to The Catcher in the Rye or Holden Caulfield. Every new, different, or edgy book uses that reference. Just because it's a book about teens DOES NOT MEAN THE AUTHOR IS THE NEW SALINGER. That being said, this is one of those very rare and few books (and by rare and few I mean the only) that merits that comparison. It is Salingeresque with some Holden mannerisms while holding its own instead of trying to be a rip off of his work. I love it so far.

Earlier tonight my mom wanted to get out of the house so we decided to go to the movies. She chose Marley & Me and oh gosh. It was a fantastic idea to see that movie while simultaneously THE WORST IDEA EVER. I hadn't cried that hard in such a long time. My eyes got red and puffy and swollen. I had to stifle my sobs which subsequently sounded like choking. I don't know if you guys know this, most of the people reading this met me after the fact, but I used to have a dog. He was the most wonderful, loving, playful, AMAZING dog in the world. His name was Oliver and I had him since the day I was born till I was 16. I loved him with all my heart and he will forever be my first pet. At the end of the movie when Marley was going I remembered it all. That's exactly how Oliver was, he couldn't even move and his hearing was going. I think I was the only one besides my Dad who got to say bye to him. The day my Dad took him in to be put down I went out and talked to him and pet him and cried with him and said goodbye. He was fantastic and nobody could ever take his place in my heart. He was a big mutt, primarily German Shepard and was better than anything I could ever ask for. He was a better companion than most people. I don't tend to get emotional over people, but show me an animal in distress and I completely lose it. The movie helped me remember Oliver and it was nice to remember him, even if it brought up those painfully sad last few months together. Goddamn these cycles of life, but life is beautiful and I think even Oliver knew that.


the love you take is equal to the love you make.
-The Beatles "The End"

75 books update.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous
5. Girl at Sea-Maureen Johnson

When I have nothing left to say...

I actually wrote a post, but blogger deleted it. Considering the content, go figure.

I love the whole one picture a day idea. I doubt I'll be doing quotes on my hands the whole time, but we'll see how it goes. I've done one of these blog challenges before, and when you're forced to write and blog every day, sometimes you just don't have anything to say. Hopefully instead it will force you to write something you never thought to write or want to write. Hopefully it'll force you to LOOK for something to write about, something that might not have occurred to you before. I'm wishing for the latter to happen more often but I can always fall back on something...



comfortably numb.
Pink Floyd- "Comfortably Numb"

Home.

I'm home for the weekend. It feels really nice. I also love being surrounded by kitties again. There is one sitting between my legs as I type this. Love.



i'm getting smaller by degrees.
-Amanda Palmer "Another Year: A Short History of Almost Something"

Seriously?

The fire alarms just went off. Are you kidding me? Potheads need to learn the textbook concept of OPENING THE WINDOWS. Luckily I wasn't sleeping, my friends and I were watching Harry Potter. We were 20 minutes from the end, but seriously, if I had been sleeping I would have thrown a bitch fit. Seriously guys, open a window and invest in a fan.

Shut me off.

I'm currently reading Girl at Sea by Maureen Johnson and I think it will cheer me up. It's good already and I can't wait to keep reading.

I'm still shut off, I can feel it in my bones. It's an odd feeling, I quite like it. I wonder if this is what doing drugs is like although I never want to find out firsthand.

I wonder what I did in a past life or this life in which I deserved such great friends. Gum has been my rock for the last day and a half, and well, I guess I really needed it. (Gum is totally her real name, by the way.) I've been more honest with her than I think I've ever been with anyone. It's quite scary really but it's also relieving.

Also, I think I've found my new daily thing. Well, by daily I mean when I have my computer and internet access.



i will follow you into the dark...
-Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Follow You Into the Dark"

What a way to start off this contest...

Sorry to scare anyone who's been reading the last few posts. I've just turned myself off for a while. I don't know how long it will last, but I need this. I'm not a shell of a person, but I'm not "on". I'm not super crazy, hyperactive, funny and all that shit. So if that's why you're friends with me I would suggest staying away for a few weeks cos it's not happening. Don't mean to scare, I'm not contemplating suicide or any crap like that, I just need to indulge in a depression/falling apart for a while. Leave me be.

Fall together.

I'm starting to fall apart. To be honest, I don't know if I want to be put back together.



I must not tell lies.
-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Love of mine...

I don't know what's going on anymore. I think I'm sick of being "on" all the time. My body is forcing myself to shut down.

Gosh.

I'm kinda wishing I hadn't read Go Ask Alice at the moment. It's kinda fucked with me.

Go Ask Alice.

I just finished Go Ask Alice and God, how utterly depressing it is. It's put me in somewhat of a foul mood. I'm all confused inside and just argh.

What?

Another blogging contest starts tomorrow? So I'm gonna revamp my blog tonight? You know it.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I just saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona and I have come to the conclusion that I would let Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem do whatever they want with me. I'll explain why I love the movie tomorrow (it really has nothing to do with them, I swear).

Seriously.

I really wish boys weren't SO SCARED of how comfortable I am with my sexuality. Oh gosh.

Simnala!

Lauren went home today. She stayed with me this weekend and I don't know, it was just so effortless. She walked in and I kinda felt like she belonged here, like we'd been living together forever. Sigh. I miss her. I also miss Nicole who lives super close but I don't see her too often. This weekend has been amazing and I can't wait for many more to come.

Also, we all went to Borders and I bought three books to fuel my 75 books challenge. Right now I'm reading Go Ask Alice cos surprisingly, I've never read it. Go me! Suggestions are appreciated because I will actually go out and buy them this time, yay!

Challenge!

I want to read 75 books this year. I tried to do 50 last year and failed miserably, so I upped the stakes this year. I'm not into resolutions and shit but this is something I just wanna do. It's not cos it's a new year or anything, I just want to. I can read books I've read before but re-reads within the year don't count. So, I can't like, read the Harry Potter series 11 times and call it quits. I better do this shit.

1. Uglies-Scott Westerfeld
2. Pretties-Scott Westerfeld
3. Specials-Scott Westerfeld
4. Go Ask Alice-Anonymous